


Nesting Doll Angel

by DarkmoonSigel



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ancient Rome, Angels are Dicks, Anxious Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale gives no fucks, BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), Caring Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Easter, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), God Ships Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), King Arthur’s court, M/M, No M-Preg, Noah’s ark, Partial Nudity, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Scene: Garden of Eden (Good Omens), Sexy Times, The Between, The Ineffable Plan (Good Omens), Unicorns, Unplanned Pregnancy, pregnant female presenting Aziraphale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:27:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23285485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkmoonSigel/pseuds/DarkmoonSigel
Summary: God and Her Ineffable Plans. Aziraphale is one of them, hidden in plain sight. The angel has a secret.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 89
Kudos: 241





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I’m not dead, but I am unemployed until isolation is over.  
> 

It was newly made, aware that it was infinite yet finite. The being of light opened its eyes, all of them, and looked upon the face of God for the first and last time.

“Ah...hello there...mother?” Were its first words. 

“Hello, Aziraphale.” God smiled down at Her newest progeny. It would be the last of his kind ever to be made so Aziraphale held a unique space within Her. “How are you?”

“I don’t really know. I don’t suppose you can tell me?” Aziraphale asked in a hopeful tone as God ran Her version of hands over its being. The sensation made the much smaller being feel all warm and loved at once, Aziraphale glowing brighter in the palms of God’s hands.

“I think you should feel special.” God said as She held her child close. 

“You do? Why?” Aziraphale asked, blinking all its eyes at Her.

“Because you are special, little one. I have made you so.” God told him as She worked on the last finishing touches. 

“What am I?” Aziraphale asked as it watched Her do so with interest, but very little understanding.

“Something new.” God leaned in to whisper. “But you can’t tell anyone you are. Can you promise me that, Aziraphale?”

“Yes, Mother.” Aziraphale said dutifully, making God pause to consider it. 

“It’s not going to be easy. You will tested over and over again, even by the angels.” God warned, “Please think it over before answering. Can you promise me?”

“I can. I promise.” Aziraphale answered slower this time. It stayed quiet a little bit longer as God worked more on its form and function. “Er, excuse me?”

“Yes, Aziraphale?”

“I’m not an angel?”

“No, you are not, but you’re definitely clever.” God smiled, pleased that Aziraphale had picked up on that. 

“If I’m not an angel, what am I? Why am I special?” Aziraphale asked as God tinkered away.

“Because I am going to make you the Earth’s guardian. There you will inspire and protect some of my favorite creations.” God smiled. The expression was not a joyful one. “I can not leave this task to the others though, not now.”

It was then Aziraphale was filled with the great and terrible knowledge about the war in Heaven, what it had cost all the Choirs. Heaven felt true loss and sorrow, and was scarred by it.

“Aziraphale, I need you to be kind. Horrific things are going to happen to you and all around you, but above all else, I need you to remain kind.” God said, running her hands over Her creation again. She was about to send him away from Her. This would be the last time Her beautiful child would be in Her presence. 

“Of course, Mother. If that’s what you want me to do.” Aziraphale said, turning big beautifully new thoughts in its head. “Mother?”

“Yes, Aziraphale?”

“May I ask why? Why me?” Aziraphale asked, “Surely you have better options than me? I’m new. What do I have to offer?”

“I need you because you have been spared what has occurred in Heaven. I need someone I can trust with the humans.” God said, Her sadness making all of Aziraphale’s eyes tear up. 

“Must I do this alone? I can’t ask any other angel for help?” Aziraphale wondered, feeling nervous for the first time ever. 

“You won’t have to do it alone. I’ve already seen to that.” God said with another sad complicated look before sighing out an entire nebula. “Aziraphale, this next part is important. I want you to do whatever you think is right, no matter what, no matter what anyone else tells you.”

“How will I know?”

“You just will. Go with your gut.”

“What’s a gut?”

“Oh yeah, I got to make you one of those.” God said absently as she set Aziraphale down to start puttering around her workspace. “You’re full title, the one we shall tell Heaven for now, will be the Angel of the Eastern Gate, the Guardian of Eden. Whatcha think?”

“It’s a bit long.” Aziraphale said, making God laugh. “Will I be meeting the Angel of the Western Gate?”

“There will be no other angels in the Garden. Only you.” God said in a strange pensive tone of voice. Aziraphale didn’t have time to dwell on it as God set out several things in front of it. “Here we are. All done.”

“Oh my, three corporations?” Aziraphale said, zipping around them until it was caught up in God’s hands. 

“Yes, you’ll be a bit like a Russian nesting doll.” God said as She placed Aziraphale into the first. It was very complex and immense.

“Russian nesting doll? What’s that?”

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll love them. Just be patient. They won’t be around for a long while.” God said as Aziraphale settled further in. “This is what you truly are, what you must hide until the time is right.”

“This is a lot. Won’t the others notice?” Aziraphale said, wiggling around. It made God smile as She placed the entirety of Aziraphale into the second corporation. Its purpose was to muffle and contain the first. It was also designed to be the last line of defense, the form of a Seraphim, a being from the highest spheres of angels. It would be able to even stand against Lucifer or Micheal if need be.

“This last corporation is to hide your true nature from both Heaven, Hell, and everything else in between.” God said as She slipped Aziraphale into its last form, one of a Principality, an type of angel from the lowest sphere. Aziraphale wondered why it would have to hide anything from Heaven.

“Are you ready, Aziraphale?”

“No, but I’ll try to do my best.”

“That’s all I ask.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale meets the archangels. It doesn’t go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there will be more.

“Gabriel, Michael, Uriel! Come  
meet your newest sibling!”

“Yes, Lord!” Answered a trio of voices. 

Aziraphale peeked at Heaven through God’s fingers until it was gently set down. Heaven was very bright. It was also very bare, full of great open spaces. Aziraphale huddled as close as it could against God.

“Don’t be shy. Gabriel is one of my archangels.” God urged, nudging Aziraphale forward until it stood in front of a tall archangel. It was wearing what Aziraphale assumed was a human form with dark hair and purple eyes. 

The other two hung back, their forms different in places from Gabriel’s own. 

“This is the Principality Aziraphale.” God told Gabriel, the name getting a reaction from the archangels, slight as it was. Aziraphale couldn’t place it, too new to the concept of human bodies with all their various facial expressions. It didn’t make Aziraphale feel good to see it though. 

“Get Aziraphale a body before going down to Earth. Aziraphale is to be the Angel of the Eastern Gate, and the Guardian of Eden.” God said, running Her hands over Aziraphale for the last time as She made ready to leave. “Take Sandalphon off of Tree duty immediately. He scares Eve.”

“Yes, Lord.” Gabriel said in a tone of voice that Aziraphale didn’t like either. It didn’t want to go with the archangels. It wanted to stay with their Mother, and return to the everything nothing of Her workshop. 

“Oh, before I forget.” God paused as She pulled something from nothing. “This is for you, Aziraphale. Here is your sword to do with what you will. It is a very special sword so use it wisely.”

“Thank you, Mother.” Aziraphale said, earning a look from Gabriel. Aziraphale did its best to hide that it didn’t like the sword. Swords didn’t seem very kind to Aziraphale. “I’ll take good care of it.”

“Of that, I have no doubt.” God chuckled, the creator of everything sounding very amused about something. 

“Lord...” Gabriel began to be cut off.

“Off you go.” God said in farewell, already off to bigger and better things. “Oh, and Aziraphale?”

“Yes, Mother?”

“Remember what I told you.” God said, and then She was gone. Aziraphale tried not to cry about it. It wasn’t sure what all of its eyes would do if it started bawling. 

“What was that all about?” Gabriel asked, doing his best to sound more authoritative than cross. Michael and Uriel were also staring Aziraphale down, much to its distress. 

“Mother made me promise not to tell.” Aziraphale said, looking nervously back and forth between the archangels. 

“We address God, the Divine Creator, as our Lord.” Michael corrected, the archangels striding off without even a background glance toward Aziraphale.

“Or as the Almighty.” Uriel coldly added.

“Ah, yes. Sorry, it won’t happen again.” Aziraphale said, wondering what that was all about. God hadn’t seemed to mind. 

“So...Aziraphale,” Gabriel startled the new being out of its own thoughts. Aziraphale didn’t like how Gabriel said his name, like there was something wrong with it. “What exactly are you supposed to do on the Earth that merits a weapon created by the Almighty Herself?”

“That is a great honor for one such as you. Only archangels have weapons made by the Lord Herself.” Michael expanded after noting Aziraphale’s lack of reaction. 

“I’m meant to inspire and protect the humans.” Aziraphale said, scared and more than a little confused. Gabriel didn’t like it. The other archangels didn’t like Aziraphale either. It had no idea why. Aziraphale’s being sank even further as they were joined by another archangel. 

“Sandalphon, come meet Aziraphale, the reason you’re permanently off apple duty now.” Gabriel said, and there it was again, the reaction, the bad one. The archangels were upset with him. 

“Praise be.” Sandalphon smiled, the expression looking unpleasant in ways Aziraphale couldn’t understand just yet. “Let’s get this one a body already, and get on with it.”

“I like the initiative! Excellent forward thinking as always.” Gabriel said, making Aziraphale wonder what the archangel was praising the other for. God had told them to do just that moments before. “So what model do you want to go with, Aziraphale?”

“Model?”

“For simplicity’s sake, do you want what Uriel and Michael have, or what Sandalphon and I are going with?”

“Does it matter?” Aziraphale asked, looking back and forth between the archangels. They looked like they all had the same number of limbs and eyes so Aziraphale couldn’t really tell if there was any advantage between the two. 

“Of course not, but the humans think it does. You can always change it up if you need to.” Gabriel sighed impatiently, the other archangels exchanging looks. 

“If it doesn’t matter, just pick one for me.” Aziraphale decided, a base form appearing before it. 

“Hurry up, and get in. You can adjust it to look however you like later.” Gabriel shooing Aziraphale toward it. It hid its amusement as it settled in to its latest corporation. Nesting doll indeed, whatever those were. 

“What would this make me?” Aziraphale said looking down at itself with new eyes, the one pair of them. That was a new sensation to get used to. 

“Male. You’ll get used to all its disgusting features.” Gabriel said, snapping up a set of white robes for the Principality. Another snap, and they were all up on a great wall that overlooked a desert on one side, and a lush garden on the other.

“Well, this is your post. Don’t let us down.” Gabriel said. Aziraphale thought it should have sounded like an order than a warning.

“Don’t disappoint us more than you already have.” Michael sighed as she studied the Wall and Garden with a critical eye. 

“You’re nothing like him.” Uriel added, her demeanor remaining as frozen as before. 

“Shame really.” Sandalphon snorted, his voice full of contempt. 

“Who? Nothing like who?” Aziraphale asked, bewildered as he searched the archangel’s faces for answers from cold eyes and grim mouthes. 

“Didn’t She tell you? No? Too bad for you.” Gabriel said, “Well, you have the honor of being named after a fallen archangel, Raphael, the former Archangel of Healing.”

“When the Almighty said she was making something in honor of him...well, let’s just say we were expecting something more. Something...not you.” Michael said with a dismissive gesture. 

“A Principality to honor an Archangel. Absurd.” Uriel all but hissed out.

Why’s he got a sword?” Sandalphon asked, studying Aziraphale in a way he didn’t like. He wondered if he was going to have to fight off Sandlephon to keep his sword. 

“He’s meant to guard Eden with it.” Gabriel sighed, not needing to put to words how much he thought the sword was wasted on Aziraphale. 

“And all you got was a horn.” Michael smirked, earning herself a look from Gabriel. Micheal has a sword forged by the Almighty herself. She liked to tease Gabriel about it. 

“Seems a waste, but better him than any of us. I’ve spent enough time here.” Sandalphon grimacing in disgust at the Garden. “One of those humans actually tried to talk to me.”

“Better than Raphael’s staff though.” Uriel pointed out, much to other archangel’s distress.

“No one’s seen it since he Fell. Probably took it to the Pit with him.” Sandalphon muttered.

“Enough!” Gabriel snapped, the others falling silent. “Aziraphale, you have your orders.”

And with that, they were all gone, Aziraphale left alone on the Wall.

“That I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Your comments hang out with Aziraphale on the Wall. Your kudos go look for Crowley.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale meets Adam and Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More more more

Aziraphale breathed out a sigh of relief, finally alone for the first time ever in his entire short existence. It was frightening yet exhilarating all at once. He hadn’t liked Heaven, hadn’t liked it at all, and Aziraphale hoped that he wouldn’t have to deal with the other angels often. It was hardly his fault that God had decided to name him after such a beloved archangel.

Luckily, it appeared that the archangels weren’t too keen about staying on Earth for extended periods of time. Aziraphale wondered why that was as he looked out upon the Garden, its wealth of lush green and flowering rainbow colors calling out to him. 

Aziraphale did his best to stay up on the Wall, but that lasted all of ten minutes or so. There was only so much desert an angel could take, at least this angel. Aziraphale told himself that he needed to know where the Tree of Knowledge was, and then of course, he would have to introduce himself to Adam and Eve. Aziraphale wondered how Sandalphon had scared Eve, what he had done exactly to frighten her. If the archangel was that unpleasant to one of his own kind, Azirarphale reasoned that being vile to a human would come easily to Sandalphon.

The answer to that was actually by the Tree of Knowledge, several small pillars of salt circling it. Taking a peek with all his eyes, even the hidden ones to make sure no one was looking, Aziraphale changed the salt back into what it used to be, small furry animals that ran off as soon as they were able to. He wasn’t sure if the other Principalities could do that, but Aziraphale certainly didn’t want to risk being found out this soon in the game. The sword had already gained too much of the archangels’ attention. 

Aziraphale knew nothing about the horrors of war, at least not personally. He knew through God all about the war in Heaven. Aziraphale certainly didn’t want this strange sword, its blade perpetually on fire. It held a weighty promise that was carried in its edge.

“You’re not like the other one.” Said a soft voice from behind him, Aziraphale turning to see a human who’s form resembled Michael and Uriel’s own. There was another with her, a being who could have only been Adam. He kept his distance from Aziraphale though, looking worried as he kept to the shadows. 

“Er, hello. You must be Eve.” Aziraphale said, setting his sword off to the side against the Tree. It was quickly moved to a bare patch of earth by Eve.

“Wood burns.” She laughed, “Yes, I am, silly angel.”

“Eve, be careful!” Adam hissed, reaching out to snag Eve’s arm. She deftly avoided him, even daring to move closer to Aziraphale. 

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, my dear. The others wouldn’t be very happy with me if I went and burned down the Tree on my very first day of guard duty.” Aziraphale said before looking over at a very nervous Adam. “It’s quite alright. I’m not going to be turning anything into salt. I don’t understand why Sandalphon would do such a thing in the first place.”

“He became annoyed with the animals who live here because they kept coming up to him.” Eve said, holding out her hand to demonstrate just that as a small colorful bird landed in her palm.

“Is that all?” Aziraphale said, watching as more birds joined them, drawn to the angel. Several landed on Aziraphale’s head and shoulders. 

“Yes.” Eve nodded. “Thank you for changing them back.”

“That’s...that’s not what I’ll be doing, I assure you.” Aziraphale said, staring at the little feathered creatures on his shoulders who studied the angel back.

“Who are you?” Eve asked.

“Oh, how terribly rude of me. I am Aziraphale. I’ll be guarding the Eastern Gate, that high wall up there, and the Tree of Life from now on.”

“Protect it from what?” Adam asked.

“I don’t really know. Demons, I suppose, but I can’t see why they would be interested. Just don’t eat the apples, and everything will remain tickety-boo!” Aziraphale said, gesturing gently toward the tree so the birds wouldn’t be dislodged. 

“What is this tickety-boo?” Eve asked, trying not to laugh. 

“I don’t know, but it sounds like something good, right? Upbeat.” Aziraphale said as more birds came to roost on him, taking advantage of his wings. 

“You are a strange angel.” Eve laughed, the angel getting covered. He didn’t seem to mind though, entranced by the tiny birds chirping and singing to him. “But you are much nicer than the last one.”

“Well, at least I’m doing something right.” Aziraphale said, “They’re a friendly lot, aren’t they?”

“Would you like anything to eat?” Eve asked, gently shooing the birds off of Aziraphale.

“I’ve never eaten anything before so I have no idea how to answer that. I’m really not sure if angels can eat anything.”

“You are not allowed to?”

“Well, no one has said anything about it one way or another.” Aziraphale said, “What’s it like?”

“Come with us! We’ll show you the best kinds!” Eve said, taking hold of Aziraphale’s arm. The angel followed after her, and Adam followed after them, looking uncomfortable about the whole ordeal. The sword was forgotten by all three. The birds didn’t bother to remind them about it either. 

It was in that moment, a giant black snake with a red belly pushed itself out of the earth, the stench of Hell still clinging to its scales. 

“What do we have here?” It hissed, eyeing the flaming sword. It was clearly a weapon of Heaven, created to be wielded by the Divine so the snake slipped on past it. It crawled up the Tree of Knowledge, hiding his dark coils in the leaves and shadows. It waited patiently for humans to find the Tree and him within it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments feed the birds. Your kudos go look for the apple.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eve eats the apple, and a conversation happens up on the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Doing something a little bit different from the original story. So yes, there will be some dialogue from the book and show, none of which is mine.

“You ate the apple.”

Eve looked scared as hell, but nodded. Aziraphale thought it was a little strange that she had lied to God, but not to him. It broke his heart just a little bit more, but in a strange new way. 

“You’re going to have to leave here. She won’t let you stay, and you don’t want to be around when she get tetchy.” Aziraphale said, “Come along now.”

“But, Aziraphale, there’s not way out! We can’t escape.” Adam said as they came to the Eastern Gate, which had been gravely misnamed in Aziraphale’s opinion. Gate would suggest that it had an opening to enter and exit from. The Eastern Gate had no such thing. 

“You can if there is a hole in the Wall.” Aziraphale said after a moment of thought. If he flew them over the Eastern Gate, that would be directly interfering, but if there just happened to be a hole, and Adam and Eve just happened to find it, then that was entirely different matter. 

“What hole?” Adam asked.

“I’ll need you two to stand back a good ways.” Aziraphale advised, waiting until they did so before driving a fist into the Wall. It took a few controlled swings, but soon enough, a tunnel was created. 

Eve looked so vulnerable now, her hand resting on the growing swell of her belly as she started to navigate over the jagged remnants of Wall. Something about it spurred the angel into action. 

“Here you go, flaming sword! Don’t thank me” Aziraphale decided wildly, running after them to press the hilt of it into Eve’s hand. 

“But won’t you get in trouble?” Eve said, staring wide eyed down at the sword. 

“Please don’t worry about me, my dear. I failed you, failed the entire Garden really. It’s the very least I can do for you.” Aziraphale said, smiling sadly at her. 

“Oh, Aziraphale, this isn’t your fault.” Eve told him, her eyes far wiser than they should be now. She had taken the first bite of the apple. 

“None of that. Don’t let the sun go down on you here. Mind how you go.” Aziraphale said, wiping tears from her eyes and then his own. He watched them leave until they were pin pricks in the distance. He then winged it up the Wall to his post to keep an eye on them. 

Aziraphale sensed the demon slithering up the Wall, but didn’t bother to acknowledge it. Aziraphale hoped that it would just go away, leaving him alone to dwell in his misery and guilt as his charges moved further and further away from the only home they had ever known. 

“Well, that went down like a lead ballon.” The demon said after transforming. 

“Sorry. What was that?” Aziraphale asked, trying and failing not to look. 

“I said, that went down like a lead ballon.” The demon was striking in appearance, lean and sharp with long, shockingly red hair.

“Oh. Yes, it did, rather.” Aziraphale said lightly, doing his best not to stare. It was hard though. The demon had the most beautiful golden eyes. 

“Bit of an overreaction if you ask me. First offense and everything.” The demon said in the loveliest voice this side of Heaven. Or more accurately Hell, Aziraphale reasoned. “I can’t see what’s so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil.”

“It must BE bad...” Aziraphale paused, looking over at the demon for an introduction. 

“Crawly.” The demon answered, seeming surprised yet pleased by the polite gesture.

“It must be bad, Crawley. Otherwise you wouldn’t have tempted them into it.”

“They just said, ‘Get up there and make some trouble’.” Crawley shrugged, the roll his shoulders a revelation and a sin all in one. 

“Obviously. You’re a demon. It’s what you do.” Aziraphale said, ordering himself to behave. This was the Adversary, the Creator of Original Sin. If anything, Aziraphale told himself that he should be smiting the demon, not becoming smitten with him. 

“Not very subtle of the Almighty though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a ‘don’t touch me’ sign.” Crawley said, stumbling upon something that had been nagging at Aziraphale. “I mean, why not put it on top of a high mountain or on the moon. Makes you wonder what God’s really planning.”

“Best not to speculate.” Aziraphale said thoughtfully, more to himself than anything as new ideas began to turn in his head. It also hadn’t helped anything that Eve had been naturally curious, head strong, and basically fearless. Aziraphale was getting the distinct feeling that what happened was bound to happen, whether Crawley or himself had been there or not. “It’s all part of the Great Plan. It’s not for us to understand. It’s...ineffable.”

“The Great Plan’s ineffable?” Crawley scoffed, making Aziraphale smile over at him. That seemed to throw the demon off. 

“Exactly. You can’t second guess ineffability.” Aziraphale nodded, something rumbling in the distance getting his attention. “Well, that’s not good. I really don’t like the look of that weather.”

“Didn’t you have a flaming sword?” Crawley asked, Aziraphale turning back to his company to find the demon looking him up and down. Aziraphale resisted the urge to preen. 

“Er...” Aziraphale’s brain prompting him that he had been asked a question.

“You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it?” Crawley asked, his full attention on Aziraphale who was basking in it. Now that it seemed alright to stare at each other, Aziraphale did just that, noting the little red scale details in the demon’s robes, and the shine of his black feathers. 

“Er...” Aziraphale stalled, wondering how those ruby curls would feel between his fingers.

“Lost it already, have you?” Crawley smirked. The expression dropped to one of surprise as Aziraphale leaned in. 

“Gave it away.” Aziraphale whispered with a grin.

“You what?!” Crawley responded incredulously, Aziraphale liking how the demon’s eyes went wide and his mouth went slack from shock.

“I gave it away! There are vicious animals out there, and it’s going to be cold out there, and she’s expecting already, and I said, here you go, flaming sword, don’t thank me, and don’t let the sun go down on you here.” The confession felt good as Aziraphale let it all tumble out of his mouth. The sword hadn’t been the right fit for him, and he was glad to have it gone, even if it had been made for him by God Herself. “I just hope I didn’t do the wrong thing.”

“Oh you’re an angel. I don’t think you can do the wrong thing.” Crawley said, the demon unaware that it was probably the nicest thing another being had ever said to the angel. 

“Thank you, oh, thank you. It’s been bothering me.” Aziraphale smiled, a weight beginning to lift off of his shoulders. 

“I’ve been worrying too. What if I did the right thing with the whole eat-the-apple-business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing.” Crawley admitted slowly, watching Aziraphale for a reaction. “Funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing, and you did the bad one.”

And just like that, all Aziraphale could think was ‘There you are. You’re the one.’ as the two of them chuckled about it for a moment, and then the first thunderstorm began in earnest, like it had something to prove. 

Crawley flinched as the first raindrops pelted them, the demon shuffling in as he near as he dared to without actually touching the angel. It made Aziraphale realize that Crawley was scared, more scared of this new weather than of him. This supposedly terrible demon was frightened by the new reality of weather, startling as lightening made its noisy debut appearance. 

Raising his left wing, Aziraphale held it over the demon, his arm sliding around a slender waist to pull Crawley in closer to him. The demon looked over in surprise at the angel, his golden serpentine eyes wildly studying Aziraphale’s profile. The angel found the perfect curvature to keep the rain off, leaving it there in place as the sky really opened up. 

“Y-you’re getting wet.” Crawley stammered, eyes darting from the wing overhead providing him shelter to the soft hand that left off of his waist to hold his own. 

“Yes, looks to be the outcome from now on due to all this.” Aziraphale said, gesturing at the weather with his free hand. 

“I’m a demon.” Crawley tried, expecting the angel to suddenly remember and smite him.

“Yes, I know.” Aziraphale said, giving Crawley a strange look, like he was the one acting abnormally here.

“You being nice to me.”

“I’m unaware of any heavenly rule that states that I should be unkind to demons.” Aziraphale said, “Is there any rule in Hell that states that an angel isn’t allowed be nice to a demon?”

“Well, no. Not any that I know of.” Crawley said after a moment. Aziraphale noted that the demon wasn’t trying to free his hand. “But why would you want to?”

“I was feeling terrible a little while ago. I thought I had failed Eve, Adam, and the entire Garden. I thought I had failed God. I’m feeling a lot better about it though.” Aziraphale said with a shrug. 

“Why’s that?”

“Because you were told to go do what you did.”

“So what? It’s all my fault. Just like Heaven to take no responsibility.” Crawley scoffed, his tone turning sour. He tried to jerk his hand back to find it firmly yet gently held. 

“No, not at all. You did what you were supposed to do, and I did what I was supposed to do. It’s all a part of the Ineffable Plan.” Aziraphale said, remembering what his Mother had told him, what she truly cared about. “I don’t blame you for any of it. If anything, you got the ball rolling.”

“I hate to point out the fault in your reasoning, but you didn’t actually do what you were supposed to do.” Crawley said after a moment. 

“I didn’t do what the Heaven wanted me to do. That’s very different than what God told me to do.” 

“God told you to let them eat the apple?!”

“No.”

“I don’t understand.”

You’re not supposed to. It’s ineffable.” Aziraphale smiled, the demon dazzled by it. Crawley about fell off the Wall when Aziraphale leaned in to press a soft kiss to his cheek, right below his mark. “You should go. The others will be here soon.”

Turning into a snake was easier than answering the angel, so Crawley did just that, racing down the Wall. Aziraphale watched him go until all those dark scales were lost in the foliage. When he turned back around, Aziraphale found that he had some company. Gauging from Gabriel’s stormy expression, Aziraphale knew it wasn’t going to be the pleasant sort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments and kudos take turns entering and exiting the Wall.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale is put on trial by Heaven. It goes awry, and it is probably the reason by they never tried it again later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isolation is great for updates.

Aziraphale stood before all the Choirs of Heaven on trial. He told himself to be not afraid. That God, wherever She was, would be with him.

“Aziraphale, you stand before Heaven. How do you plead?” Gabriel started off grandly, and it was grand. Heaven has built an elaborate courtroom just for this. All four archangels sat before him in thrones on high podiums. Aziraphale had to crane his neck to look up at them. It was rather annoying. 

“Do you mean in general, or are you accusing me of something in particular? I can’t very well plead over nothing. I have standards.” Aziraphale said, going for nonchalant, but nothing landed if all the other angels’ faces were anything to go by. “Oh dear...”

“Aziraphale, Angel of the Eastern Gate, and Guardian of the Tree of Knowledge, you have failed in your duties. The Gate has been breached by a demon, and said demon tempted the humans into eating an apple. It was a wall you were charged with watching, and an apple you were responsible for guarding. You have failed Heaven.” Gabriel said, having rather nice projection in Aziraphale’s opinion. “Do you have anything to say for yourself before we pass judgement upon you?”

“Yes.” Aziraphale said, finding his own voice. “Yes, I do.”

“This ought to be good. What could you possible say in your defense?” Michael asked.

“That only God has the right to judge me, not you or any other angel.” Aziraphale stated to an answering murmur from the crowd.

“How dare you! We are the archangels!” Gabriel began. 

“But you’re not God.” Aziraphale interrupted, clear as a bell for all to hear. “What I did, or didn’t do in this case, could have very well been part of the Plan all along.”

“Which one? The Great Plan, or the Ineffable One?” Uriel asked, her brow furrowed in thought. 

“Either? Both? No one knows except for the Lord.” Aziraphale said, making the archangels regret making his trial so public as the Choirs whispered loudly back and forth to each other. 

“God’s very busy...” Sandalphon tried to be calmly cut off. 

“Can no one else speak for the Lord in her absence?”

“Someone get ahold of the Metatron.” Uriel ordered, Gabriel shooting a venomous glare over at her. “What? It’s a reasonable request, and what he is saying might be true. We don’t have the authority to make that call.”

They didn’t have to wait long, a huge face appearing in their midst, filling Heaven. 

“I am the Metatron. To speak to me is to speak to God. I am the voice of the Almighty.” The Metatron intoned. “Who has called for me?”

“Ah, yes, hello. That would be me. Could you tell God that I, Aziraphale, seem to be on trial? They’ve built a big courtroom for it and everything.” Aziraphale said. The Metatron nodded in response before pausing, very reposed about it, or at least he was until the Metatron obviously got a response back from the Almighty. 

“Gabriel...oh dear, please keep in mind this is the polite version, but God would very much like to know what in the...flying fuck? Yes, what in the flying fuck are you doing?” Metatron told them, looking very distressed about it. “She’s very busy with parallel worlds at the moment, so what are you going on about? Why are all the Choirs here instead of doing their jobs? Why is there a courtroom in Heaven?! Only I, the Almighty, can pass judgment so why is there a fucking courtroom?! And seriously, are those thrones?!”

“Tell the Lord that we have the Principality Aziraphale on trial for failing in his duties on Earth.” Gabriel said with far too much confidence in Aziraphale’s opinion. Michael did not share that feeling, the archangel quickly snapping away the thrones.

If the Voice of God was censoring itself from an onslaught, and doing very badly at it, Aziraphale would have thought that the archangels would want to take this somewhere else far more private. Someone was about to be embarrassed, and Aziraphale was fairly confident that it wasn’t going to be him. 

There was a momentary pause as Metatron relied this. Quite impressively, the vision of Metatron somehow managed to pale. 

“Gabriel, you and the other archangels are to cease and desist this trial immediately.” Metatron said, wincing as if someone was shouting directly into his ear, which wasn’t too far from the truth. “To say the Lord is displeased would be a grave understatement. She using a lot of colorful wording that the lower Choirs shouldn’t hear, or anyone else for that matter.”

“What is the Lord telling you?” Michael asked, exchanging looks with her fellow archangels.

“The long and short of it is that She wants Aziraphale back on Earth immediately, and if anyone takes him off his post again for any reason, She is going to personally pull out every pin feather of any angel involved before speedballing them face first into Hell.” Metatron stated, gritting his teeth, quite obviously under extreme duress. 

“But...” Gabriel started. 

“Gabriel, this is really not the time to question or argue with the Lord.” The Metatron snapped, “If She has to come back to Heaven right now while She’s in the middle of creating and bending other realities, there will be a reckoning, one that will not be in your favor, I assure you. The Lord states that it isn’t your place to pass judgment over Aziraphale, or punish him, and to go ...piss up a rope? The Lord has spoken.”

“Wait!” Gabriel tried to order to be ignored.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lie down. I have a ringing everything.” Metatron said as he faded out. 

“What are you doing just standing there?! Get back down to Earth!” Gabriel yelled at Aziraphale as the Choirs hastily dispersed.

“Jolly good.” Aziraphale doing just that as he scrambled out of Heaven as fast as his wings could take him. He decided to immediately repair the Wall upon his return. No one needed to find out that he had helped Adam and Eve out of the Garden on top of everything else. He was sliding the last stone into place when the one being that truly mattered caught up to him.

“Aziraphale, Angel of the Eastern Gate.” Said a bright white light, sounding more like an echo than anything else. It was still Her Light, Her Voice, and Her Presence, but Aziraphale was getting the sense that God was very far far way.

Yes, Lord?” Aziraphale tried, but it didn’t sound right to him. “Hello, Mother.”

“Where is the flaming sword I gave you, Aziraphale, to guard the Gate of Eden?” God asked. 

“Big sharp cutty thing?”

“Yes, that.”

“Yes, well, I gave it away. Didn’t seem like a good fit for me. Swords aren’t kind.” Aziraphale stated firmly. He was not going to lie like Eve to their Mother. If She wanted to smite him for it, then so be it. 

God faded away from all his perceptions, but She didn’t feel angry about it. If anything, Aziraphale would say that She seemed rather amused more than anything.

“Alright then. Onward and upward.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments offer the Metatron a cold compress for his ringing head. Your kudos help Aziraphale fix the Wall.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have an Ark story with unicorns, kids, and a rating change!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, they gonna fuck eventually so rating change.

It was about to rain again the next time they met. Someone touched Aziraphale’s right shoulder, startling the angel.

“Hello, Aziraphale.” said a familiar voice  
on his left, making a bubbling warmth rise up in through Aziraphale’s surprise.

“Crawley.” Aziraphale told himself not to stare. The demon wasn’t making it easy though, having changed gender. Crawley had two different versions of itself that he could admire.

“So. Giving the mortals a flaming sword. How did that work out for you?” Crawley grinned, clearly still impressed by it. 

“God seemed fine with it. She’s never mentioned it again.” Aziraphale shrugged. He looked over to find Crawley staring at him. “What?”

“God was perfectly fine with you handing off a weapon she’d made for you.” Crawley said, sounding a bit stunned to the angel.

“Yes. I simply explained that it wasn’t a good fit for me.”

“Amazing.” Crawley said, softly laughing as she shook her head. “What’s all this about then? Build a big boat, and fill it with a traveling zoo?”

Because of course Crawley would have to ask about it, Aziraphale sighing to himself. He didn’t want to be here, but Heaven had ordered him to bear witness, and to help out Noah and his family with anything they should need. It simply wouldn’t do for God’s pet project to spring a leak, and everything meant to be saved drown due to faulty carpentry.

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but it’s been bothering me.” Aziraphale said, snapping his fingers to create a privacy bubble around them. “From what I hear, God’s a bit tetchy. Wiping out the human race. Big storm.”

“All of them?” Crawley asked, looking around at the future fish food. 

“Just the locals. I don’t believe that Mother is upset with the Chinese, or the Native Americans, or the Australians.” 

“Yet.” Crawley said until something caught her attention. “Do you really call Her Mother?”

“Oh, not you too. The Lord and Almighty just seem so formal to me.” Aziraphale groaned, “I like calling Her that, and She’s never corrected me on it.”

“You can call Her whatever you like, angel. I was just surprised is all.” Crawley said. 

“Why?”

“Because that’s what I used to call her.” Crawley shrugged helplessly, looking a little lost. “We all did in the beginning.”

“She’s not actually to wipe out all the locals. I mean, there’s Noah up there, his family, his sons, their wives, they’ll all be fine.” Aziraphale said gently to bring them both back to the matter at hand. He did wonder when that all changed in Heaven though, and what did Crawley mean by ‘in the beginning’? The beginning of the Choirs, or the Beginning?

“But they’re drowning everyone else?” Crawley asked incredulously to receive a tight lipped nod from the angel. Laughing children dashed past them with a small herd of goats. “Not the kids? You can’t kill kids.”

The demon was entreated to another very tight lipped nod from Aziraphale who didn’t look any happier about it than she did.

“That’s more the kind of thing that you’d expect my lot to do.” Crawley said, looking round in dismay. 

“Done that before, have you?” Aziraphale asked, already knowing the answer. 

“I’m not one for killing kids.” Crawley snapped, glaring over at the angel.

“I never thought you were.” Aziraphale soothed, knowing that Crawley wasn’t going to like this next part. “I didn’t get any say, but God’s promised this will be the last time. Oh, and when it’s done, Mother is going to put up a new thing called a rain-bow...as a promise not to drown everyone again.”

“How kind.” Crawley mocked.

“I don’t like it either, but you can’t judge God.”

“Yes, I can. I’m a demon, aren’t I? I can judge all I like.”

“You know Her plans are...”

“Are you going to say ‘ineffable’?” Crawley looked over at the put out angel, daring him to finish that sentence. 

“Well, they are.”

“I’m glad one of us has faith in them.” Crawley grumbled, looking up as rain began to fall from the sky. The demon hoped it held off just a little bit longer. There were quite a few animals left to pack into the Ark, one of which was having other ideas about it.

“Oy! Shem! That unicorn’s going to make a run for it if...” Crawley called out, the humans a little too overwhelmed to manage everything that was going on. “Oh, too late. Well, you still got one.”

“That’s not how it works.” Aziraphale sighed, taking his leave by wing. Everyone there was going to be dead soon enough so hiding his true nature didn’t really matter. 

“Where are you going?” Crawley called after him as she kept up with the angel, an impressive flyer as she flew circles around Aziraphale. “I thought you were taking a boat ride.”

“Not without that unicorn. It couldn’t have gotten far. Ah, there it is.” Aziraphale said spotting the pure white beast easily enough.

“Must you?” Crawley sighed, but followed the angel down anyway, careful to land a bit away from the unicorn. Animals didn’t particularly care for demon on a good day, unicorns even less so. 

“I’m certainly not going to leave this poor creature behind to drown.” Aziraphale said as he calmed the unicorn with a touch from his hand. The other slid some miracled up rope around its neck. 

“But you’re perfectly fine letting them drown everyone else.” Crawley tossed out as Aziraphale secured the knot.

“I’m not letting them do anything. I’m not very well liked up there so it’s not as if they would listen to me anyway.” Aziraphale sighed, glaring at the demon. For whatever reason, something made Crawley stare back at him. 

“They don’t like you? Why not?” Crawley finally asked.

“I got named after the wrong angel, but that’s neither here nor there.” Aziraphale said, not wishing to dwell on the matter. “What have you got against unicorns?” 

“They’re just another type of funny looking horse.”

“Unicorns are not horses.” Aziraphale corrected, the unicorn seconding that notion.

“Alright, they’re remarkably horse shaped with an additional problem attached to their forehead. Happy?” Crawley said, making a face at both of them. 

“I’m not, but I think I’ve figured out something. I need you to listen to me.” Aziraphale said quickly, the gears in his head churning out a wonderful idea, but he would need Crawley’s help to make it work. 

“Yeah? Why is it?” Crawley asked, concentrating on maintaining a safe distance from the unicorn and its stabby horn. 

“Because everyone is about to drown except for Noah and his family.” Aziraphale said with great care, emphasizing each word. 

“Yeah, I got that. I’m not slow.” Crawley said, rolling her eyes at him.

“Did you? Did you really get it though?” Aziraphale stared at Crawley. It only took a moment longer before the demon’s eyes grew wide as the idea caught on. 

“Oh, I like that. That’s clever.”

“It’s a shame I can’t interfere, or suggest anything like that directly to Noah or any member of his family, but if someone else were to, who am I to stop them? And if that someone just happens to be very persuasive, I could even move things around in the Ark to help accommodate extra passengers if need be. You know...if it came down to brass tacks and all.” Aziraphale said as the two of them headed back toward the Ark with the unicorn in tow. 

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing that you know someone who can sell sand in the Sahara.”

“I suppose it is.”

By the time all the animals were boarded, the children followed after, a red headed woman whispering in Naamah’s ear, Noah’s wife, as Aziraphale murmured in the other. When all was said and done, Noah was as wealthy in children as he was in animals. Several miraculous renovations occurred to the Ark to help accommodate all of his offspring. The passengers of the Ark also found that their provisions constantly replenished themselves, especially the wine and beer.

“So. What are you going to tell Heaven?” Crawley asked as the two of them settled into Aziraphale’s own private little room that hadn’t been there before. It’s had a lovely soft bed that took up most of the space, plenty of shelves full of scrolls to read, and more importantly, plenty of wine. Aziraphale used his own halo as a light source, keeping it dim for the sake of Crawley’s eyes. 

“Easy. Noah needed help with all the animals, and by saving the children from imminent death, they will become devote followers of Heaven. What about you?” Aziraphale said, already bored with it. At best, he was tolerated by the others angels. He was an anomaly to the lower Choirs, your average angel unsure of how to act around him. The archangels were a mixed bag of contempt, uncertainty, and poorly disguised fear. 

“I slipped seeds of evil into the Ark. The children will resent Heaven for killing their parents, and thus will eventually be ours. Hell enjoys a long game.” Crawley said as she got up. “Best be off.”

The demon didn’t get very far, Aziraphale reaching over to catch her hand. “You could stay. No one would notice another snake. That, and I have wards up. Placed them in with the renovations.”

“I fail to see the appeal of staying on a boat full of animal shit.”

“I have plenty of wine.” Aziraphale said, offering her a jug. “And it will be raining for a very long time, and there is no better sleeping weather than that.”

“I stand corrected. You make solid case.” Crawley accepted the jug, taking a long pull from it before allowing Aziraphale to pull her back down onto bed. As Crawley settled in beside him, Aziraphale kissed her temple just beneath her mark, just like he had the first time up on the Wall. He didn’t stop there, touching his lips to her cheek next. 

“Why do you kiss me? Why do you keep kissing me?” Crawley asked quietly, looking away from the angel as she did so. 

“I can stop if you don’t like it.” Aziraphale started to pull away, a quick hand on his cheek stopping that notion.

“Don’t be too hasty. I didn’t say that. I just want to know why.” Crawley said, leaning in to steal her own kiss from his lips, the angel’s mouth soft and generous. She made a rather undignified noise as Crawley was pulled into Aziraphale’s lap to be properly kissed. 

“Because I think you’re beautiful, and I find that your company is precious to me.” Aziraphale answered honestly. Crawley wished that he wouldn’t, her overactive mind whirling into overtime.

“I’m a demon.” She tried. It was hard, words were hard as she stared into Aziraphale’s beautiful eyes that were mostly blue from all different types of skies. They held the shades of grey noticed in storms, and a spectrum of green usually only found in the ocean within them as well though. 

“I know that, but you can keep reminding me if you’d like.” Aziraphale said softly, openly staring back. Crawley’s eyes had gone full serpent, not that Aziraphale was going to tell her that. The demon seemed sensitive about them so he never pressed. Right now, they were molten gold.

“You’re an idiot.” Crawley breathed out as she ran clawed fingertips through white hair that was becoming more feathery than silky. 

“I know that too, but it will become a little hurtful if you keep reminding me of that.” Aziraphale between kisses he placed along her jawline to end at her chin.

“No rule in Heaven then stating that kissing a demon is off-limits?” Crawley said, throwing her head back to allow the angel better access to it. Aziraphale did not disappoint, becoming devout to the curvature of it and her sharp collarbones. 

“None that I am aware of.” Aziraphale would have started to work his way back up, but the front of Crawley’s robe fell open. 

“Oops.” Crawley said as she leaned back just far enough to reveal the slight swell of her breasts. “How about the rest of...it?”

“Nothing. Not a word.” Aziraphale sighed out as he parted the dark cloth. Crawley’s body jerked, the demon gasping as soft lips found her nipple, already pert. His hand found the other one, his fingers working in time with his tongue as he rolled, pinched, and sucked at the sensitive flesh.

Aziraphale could feel her getting hot and wet in his lap, his own Effort responding to the moisture seeping through his robes. Crawley’s hips were already beginning to make these small delicious movements to encourage his own.

“Aren’t you worried about Falling?” Were the word that worked their way out of her treacherous mouth from a mind made for questions. In that moment, Crawley wanted the Pit to open up beneath her. No matter how Aziraphale answered, it would be wrong. It would ruin everything, and all because she couldn’t keep her vile mouth shut.

“No.” Aziraphale’s answer was surprisingly short. Too short. 

“But lust is a sin.” 

“Love isn’t.” And there it was. Exactly the wrong thing, Crawley shoving herself off of Aziraphale’s lap. 

“You can’t.” She snapped as Crawley covered herself back up, ignoring the fact that Aziraphale’s saliva was still drying on her nipples, and everything between her thighs was a damn slip and slide. 

“Who says? I’ve spoken to God before.  
She’s never mentioned it when she was talking about the things she cared about, or told me otherwise.” Aziraphale stayed where he was so he wouldn’t spook Crawley as everything between his legs were willed away for now. He didn’t want her to leave, not like this.

“You’ve spoken to God? Like directly to God?” Crawley asked, sounding very angry about it, incredulous even. 

“Yes, when she made me, and a moment after that when I was putting the Wall back together.” Aziraphale shrugged, not understanding why Crawley looked so perplexed, upset, and taken aback.

“She doesn’t do that. She’ll only ever done that with archangels. The rest she created in entire Choirs, and couldn’t be bothered with talking to individually. She stop making angels for good right before the War. You should know that.” Crawley spat out, curling up tighter in on herself until Aziraphale worried she might shift into a snake. 

“She made me, and then introduced me to the archangels.” Aziraphale expanded, earning a glare from the demon. 

“That doesn’t make any ssssense why sssshe would do that. You’re just a Principality.” Crawley scoffed, making Azirpahale wonder how she knew that, or if it were just common knowledge that the other angels didn’t share with him.

“I’m sorry if I upset you.” Aziraphale said, racking his brain. What could he tell Crawley, and still keep his promise to God. “She made me especially for Eden after the War. She didn’t trust the other angels with the humans.”

“Oh...that makes sense.” Crawley said, uncoiling, visibly relaxing. “Good move on her part. I wouldn’t have either.”

“Crawley...” Aziraphale started to say after a long quiet moment of them passing a jug of wine back and forth between them. One of them was refilling it, not wanting to have this conversation completely sober.

“You still can’t love me though.” Crawley bit out. 

“Why not? God hasn’t said anything on the matter, and the other angels, archangels included, aren’t allowed to punish me.” Aziraphale offered up. 

“How’d you manage that one?” Crawley asked, despite herself, clearly impressed.

“They tried to put me on trial after Eden, and Mother found out. You could say that it went over like a lead balloon.” Aziraphale joked, hoping to tease a smile out of the demon. Crawley remained looking grim despite his best efforts.

“You need to be careful. I Fell for asking too many questions.” Crawley warned.

“Good thing I don’t ask them then.” Aziraphale smiled. It sparked a very different reaction than he was going for from Crawley.

“I’m being serious. Don’t make light of it.” Crawley snapped, her teeth becoming more fang like from her anger. Scales began to appear on her skin as well, like strange iridescent freckles. “That’s all they were. Questions. I...I didn’t mean to Fall. You will too if you’re not careful.”

“I’m sorry.” Aziraphale wished more than anything that he could tell her, tell the demon his secret, that she didn’t need to worry about that ever happening to him.

“Why are you sorry? You weren’t even there for any of it.” Crawley said roughly. Aziraphale could tell anything he said next would be wrong no matter what it was. He couldn’t let Crawley leave looking like that though. The demon looked brittle with sadness, her anger threatening to break her all apart. 

Crawley gasped as she covered by white wings, the feathery appendages pulling her close to the angel so that she was seated in his lap again, her back pressed to his front this time.

“What are you doing?” Crawley wiggled in place to find nothing down there to wiggle against. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“It will be easier to share the wine, and hide your presence here on the Ark like this.” Aziraphale ignored her as he rested his chin on a bony shoulder, softened by the curls coverings it. He wanted to kiss her until Crawley didn’t have enough breathe in her to make a sound, but Aziraphale need her here more than that. 

Aziraphale knew that his love didn’t have an expiration date. He could be patient for Crawley until the demon was ready to believe him. Aziraphale had thought about it a lot in the last thousand years since last they met. He could wait another thousand or more if need be. 

“Can’t stay like this forever.” Crawley grumbled, but made no move to leave, or push the angel off of her again. 

“No, we can’t, but at the very least, we’ve found a proper cushion for your bony ass.”  
Aziraphale said, making Crawley almost choke on her wine.

“It’s not that bony.”

“My thighs would beg to differ.”

“Then maybe...” Crawley turned to give the angel an earful to find Aziraphale grinning at her. “You’re such a bastard.”

Aziraphale kissed the tip of her nose in answer before helping himself to more wine. “I should take a nap so you get to experience my elbows and knees too.” Crawley grumbled into the jug when it was passed back.

“That would be very evil of you.” Aziraphale said as he gently ran his fingers through her curls, making Crawley’s eyes flutter shut. He did it some more, watching as Crawley’s eyelids became too heavy for her face to manage. 

“I’ll do it. I swear I will.” Crawley already ready to make good on that threat. It was Aziraphale’s own fault for being so soft and warm, smelling so good within his wings. 

“Oh no, it looks like I’ve been thwarted.” Aziraphale said softly, the demon fast asleep in his arms with her head tucked under his chin. The angel kept watch, listening to the heavy rain coming down.

It would not stop for forty days and forty nights. Crawley stayed with Aziraphale for that long as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments teach the unicorns about the birds and the bees. Your kudos get lost in the Ark.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Crucifixion chapter with conversations with Jesus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still alive! Hey, if you’re bored, go check out my original writing on Amazon! Most of my books are free if you have a Kindle! 
> 
> “Beware the Night”  
> “Believe in Mist”  
> “Believe in Shadows”  
> “Hodge Podge”  
> “The Honest Prose of a Drunk”  
> And   
> “Armoring Shadows”

They met again in the Land of Skulls, on that terrible day in Golgotha.

“Come to smirk at the poor bugger?”

Aziraphale turned to look at Crawley, even now admiring her. “Smirk? Me?”

“Well, your lot put them up there.” Crawley said with hard eyes and a set mouth. She was as angry as Aziraphale had ever seen her.

“I am not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley. You know that.” Aziraphale sighed, letting some of his pain show on his face. This wasn’t easy for him either. 

“I’ve changed it.” Crawley said more softly this time. Aziraphale was grateful for it. 

“Changed what?” Aziraphale allowing himself to be distracted. It was his duty to bear witness to this, much like he had done so with the Ark and other events. The archangels’ revenge upon him was to send Aziraphale to terrible, crucial points in human history, and make him watch, just watch, never allowing him to intervene.

And for the most part, he complied. However, it never stopped him from encouraging others to do the intervening for him, namely Crawley. 

“My name. Crawley just wasn’t doing it for me. A bit too squirming at your feet-ish.” 

“Well, you were a snake. So what is it now? Mephistopheles? Asmodeus?”

“Crowley.” A particularly loud series of hammer blows followed by more screaming made the angel and demon wince in unison.

“Did you...ever meet him?” Azirapahle asked hesitantly. He’s only had the pleasure a few times briefly while on assignment.

“Yes. Seemed a bright young man. I showed him all the kingdoms of the world.” Crowley said, actually sound fond about it.

“Why?”

“He‘s a carpenter from Galileo. His travel opportunities are limited.” Crowley grimaced as Jesus was raised up on his cross. “Ow. That’s gotta hurt. What was it he said that got everyone so upset again? 

“Be kind to each other.” Azirapahle said, feeling bone weary over the whole thing. 

“Yeah. That’ll do it.” Crowley sighed, “I need a drink. I bet you’ll need one to.”

“I do, but it will have to wait. I have to stay until the end. Heaven’s orders.” Aziraphale smiled sadly over at the demon. “Go on ahead of me, my dear. I’m meet you there. I just don’t know when.”

The angel couldn’t blame Crowley for leaving, but was pleasantly surprised when she soon returned, carrying several jugs of wine, and some olives and bread as well.

“Shut up.” Crowley said in the face of Aziraphale’s look of gratitude. “I can brag to Downstairs about how much he suffered up there before Hell got their hands on him.”

Aziraphale didn’t mention that Crowley carefully kept her golden eyes down and away from said suffering. Any other demon would have gawked at Christ dying bloody by in inches on his cross. Aziraphale very carefully positioned himself to block any accidental view of it.

“I can imagine.” 

“Don’t. They’ve designed entire rooms for him, dark mazes filled with razors, and pits full of the vilest things in existence.” Crowley said, curling in on herself. Aziraphale moved to sit closer to her, offering his side for her to burrow into. She hid herself there for the duration, Aziraphale’s unseen wings wrapped tightly around them both as they suffered with Jesus through it. 

A little over six hours later, the demon and angel watched as wings of night, wings that were cut through the matter of creation into the darkness beneath unfurled, filling the sky. The wings belonged to Azrael, the angel of death, who landed silently before the cross. 

“About time. Let’s get the hell out of here.” Crowley muttered, pulling Aziraphale to his feet. The pair swayed a bit, but found that walking was a doable thing as long as straight lines weren’t meant to be rigidly adhered to. 

They fell into someone’s bed together, holding onto each other as tightly as they possibly could without breaking something human in their bodies. Crowley was out like a light as soon as she made the angel’s chest her pillow. Aziraphale rarely slept, but enough had gone on that day he was willing to give it a red hot go. 

Luckily for them both, he refrained, his wards sensing the impending arrival of an archangel. Easing himself out from under her, Aziraphale threw a blanket over Crowley to fully cover her as he miracled a spell over it to hide her presence. He then went outside to wait for whoever had decided to turn up.

“How’d it go?” Of course it was Gabriel, all fake smiles and good humor. Aziraphale failed to see what was so light hearted about the situation.

“How do you think it went? He was crucified.” Aziraphale said flatly.

“Yeah, that. Everything go according to plan?” Gabriel moved forward, undeterred by the other’s grim face and tone. 

“If you mean, did he die horribly by other’s hands after many hours of torture, then yes. Yes, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Son of God, is dead.” Aziraphale said tersely, not that it had any effect on archangel. 

“Fantastic.” Still all smiles. 

“I beg your pardon?” Aziraphale asked instead of striking the archangel off of this plane of existence. 

“God’s got big plans for him.” Gabriel grinned. 

“I fail to see why sending Her son to Hell was one of them.”

“It’s a detour before the main event. She going to bring him back in three days.”

“That’s good.” Aziraphale said, tentatively waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“She want you to be there. Apparently he’s in a tomb with a big stone in front of it. So take care of that for us by the dawn of the third day. Don’t be late.”

“I’ll be there with bells on.” Aziraphale said, tired in more ways than one. 

“Why would you wear those? Is that some new human thing? No, don’t tell me. They just get weirder every time I come down here.” Gabriel said, finally taking his leave. It was a boon that none of the other angels liked to linger, Aziraphale returning to his lover’s side, crawling back in under the covers. 

“What was that all about?” Crowley asked. She reclaimed her space upon him, practically curling up on top of the angel as if he were the bed. 

“I’ll tell you in the morning.” Aziraphale said, kissing the top of her head to find that she was already asleep again. As Crowley wrapped herself more tightly around the angel, Aziraphale drifted off into a rare slumber. 

The next he woke up, Aziraphale realized he didn’t recognize the room he was sleeping in. He wasn’t too put off by that though because Crowley sat near him. The only worrisome part about it was that she held the majority of her long hair in one hand, and a very sharp looking knife in the other one.

“Let me do it.” Aziraphale said sleepily, not liking how his mouth tasted. Yet another reason he didn’t care too much for sleep. He wasn’t shy about miracling away his morning breath. 

“Why?” Crowley pausing long enough to look over at the groggy angel. 

“You never get the back right the first time.” Aziraphale pointed out. 

“Fair enough. You awake enough for this?” Crowley said as she hand over the knife. 

“Yes, but I’d like you to wait three days.” Aziraphale leaned in to mouth the request into her locks, kissing the back of her head while he was there.

Why?” Crowley asked, twisting and turning in place like only a snake could to look up at him. 

“Just hold off on it. I promise you’ll like it, and, I’ll cut your hair as short as you like.” Aziraphale said, combing his fingers through it.

“I guess you’ll just have to distract me for three days then, yeah?” Crowley shivered as her hair was brushed aside so that soft lips could be placed to the nape of her sensitive neck. More kisses were trailed down her spine, Aziraphale using the knife to cut her clothing off.

After three days in bed doing various activities, they went for a walk at Aziraphale’s insistence. Much to the angel’s dismay and the demon’s bemusement, they were running late. 

“What was so bloody important that we had to get up before dawn?” Crowley yawned, quite put out. The angel made for the loviest bed in all of Creation. She was not pleased she had been made to leave it, even less so when they came to a stop in front of a tomb.

Crowley all but flew out of her skin when Aziraphale started to move the great heavy stone that sealed the entrance. It wouldn’t take long at all, the demon having already witnessed the kind of mess the angel could make of stone with his bare hands. 

“What in Satan’s name do you think you’re doing!?“ Crowley hissed. She’d never known the angel to partake in grave robbing before. She didn’t think the Son of God’s was a healthy choice for a start.

“Oh, do calm down, my dear. I’m just helping the poor lad out is all.” Aziraphale said as he easily rolled the stone aside. They didn’t have to wait long, the tomb’s sole occupant ready for their arrival. “Ah, here he is now. Hello, Jesus.”

“You’re back. After all they planned for you in Hell, you’re back.” Crowley stared wide eyed at the Christ, who looked none worse for wear. 

“Hello, Crawley. I told you to have a little faith in me.” Jesus smiled, and the world lit up from within. He nodded in greeting to Aziraphale who bowed back. He got no such gesture from Crowley, the demon looking a little dazed and confused. 

“I’ve changed it. It’s Crowley now.” Crowley said absently. 

“I like it. It suits you.” Jesus said, peering over at the demon in such a ways that it make her twitch. “What did you do to Judas?”

“Who says I did anything to him?” In a tone that not only suggested something had been done to Judas, but also implicated that several somethings most definitely had been done to the wayward apostle by the demon. 

“Crowley.” Jesus reached out to cup Crowley’s face so that she would look at him. 

“He betrayed you for 30 pieces silver to buy a bloody field! He deserved it!” Crowley said, looking close to crying as she held herself. Aziraphale tried not to glare at the Christ, but did give him a very stern look.

“Crowley, Judas was always meant to do that. I chose him to do that. He is forgiven.” Jesus said gently, letting her go so that the demon could rush to Aziraphale’s side. 

“Bully for you. He’s not in my book.” Crowley muttered into the angel’s shoulder. 

“Nor mine.” The angel said unexpectedly, surprising his company. They both inquisitively looked over at him. 

“Do tell.” Crowley all but purred. 

“Ladies first. What did you do to him?” Aziraphale asked, genuinely curious. Deep down, Crowley was an artist after all. 

“Made him swell up like a tick until pus was dripping out of his orifices, all of them. The doctors couldn’t make heads or tails of his cock and balls, they bloated so badly.” Crowley said with a flip of her hair. “He popped like a fevered boil, spilling his inwards out on that precious field of his. Said field is cursed now, useless to anyone who tries to use it.

“ How long did he last like that?” Aziraphale asked. 

“Less than a week.” 

“Oh.” Aziraphale said thoughtfully. 

“Still love me, angel? Now that you know about that?” Crowley smiled thin and brittle. 

“I personally would have made his skin and body become infected with nesting insects and other parasites, and then had them breed and eat their way out of him from the inside. If done right, it would have taken him weeks to die.” Aziraphale said in surprisingly casual tone. If Jesus hadn’t just spent three days in Hell, it might have shocked him for half a second. 

“Holy hell.” Was the only thing Crowley could think to say. “Remind me to never piss you off. How’d you come up with that?”

“Reading has its perks.” Aziraphale said lightly, trying to ignore the waves of pure unadulterated want and lust coming off of the demon. 

“Strange thing though, Judas’s not in Hell. I’ve checked.” Crowley pointed out as she barely reeled herself in. They did have company after all. 

“Oh, he’s definitely not in Heaven either, I assure you.” Aziraphale decidedly not helping in that as he slowly trailed a hand up and down her back.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Crowley said, biting her lips. 

“I found the aftermath of him in the field. Death and Hell would have been too good an end for him, at least in my humble opinion.” Aziraphale murmured, leaning in to rest their foreheads together. 

“So what’d you do? Tell me already.” Crowley felt short of breath, Aziraphale blatantly staring at her lips. 

“I’m wondering that myself.” Jesus added, making the two jump apart from one another, red faced and stammering. 

“I made him immortal.” Aziraphale all but shrugged. 

“You what?!” Crowley practically shrieked as Jesus’s eyebrows flew up to meet his hairline. 

“I resurrected him, and told him if he ever wanted into Heaven that he’d have to earn it.” Aziraphale explained. 

“How’d he take it?” Crowley wondered. It wasn’t his style of punishment, but Aziraphale’s methods had an engaging cleverness to them. 

“He promptly tried to hang himself.” Aziraphale said, trying to keep a smile off of his face for his less than angelic behavior.

“Tried?” Jesus asked.

“He succeeded. It just didn’t take. Gave the humans who cut him down a terrible fright, I can tell you that much. He had to flee the region.” Butter wouldn’t have melted in the angel’s mouth.

“How do you know that he just won’t settle down somewhere until this all blows over?” Crowley asked, a little stunned and very much aroused. Also a touch concerned, but she was ignoring that part the best she could. 

“I dusted off an old classic.” Aziraphale said, feeling quite pleased with himself. “The Mark of Cain. It will force Judas to remain a wanderer until the end of days.”

It didn’t the reaction he expected, or hoped for. 

“How were you able to pull that off? God placed that divine judgment upon Cain Herself.” Crowey asked after a long moment, studying the angel with narrowed eyes. 

“I just did.” Aziraphale said, realizing belated how careless he had been with Crowley. The demon wasn’t the mindless drones of Heaven. Crowley had gotten kicked out for being curious, and curious tendencies tended to translate into clever notions. 

“Just like you were able to make all those changes to the Ark within anyone noticing.” Crowley said slowly, the fine gears in her head turning as she studied what was supposed to be an angel before her. “Principalities don’t have that kind of power or range.”

“And you know all about that how? Who were you in Heaven to tell me what I can and can not do? Who were you before the Fall?” Aziraphale challenged, carelessly, desperately. 

“I made stars.” And with that Crowley left. 

“Oh dear,” Aziraphale sighed, feeling miserable about the whole thing. He wasn’t allowed that bit of self pity for long. “Jesus! Are you laughing at me?!”

“I’m sorry, Aziraphale. You two are just too wonderful to watch.” Jesus said between what was definitely ongoing laughter.

“Why did Mother send me to let you out? Was there an actual reason?” Aziraphale asked, the gears in his own head turning. He was just as clever as Crowley, but in his own way. “I think it would be safe to assume that you could have gotten out of there yourself.”

“Yes.” Jesus replied with a smile, and a single maddening word.

“Does she approve of me consorting with the adversary?” Aziraphale wondered as he tried to think of the right question, the one that he should be asking.

“Perhaps you were always meant to find Crowley.” Jesus said, moving in his own mysterious ways. “But they’ve never been much of an adversary, have they?”

”Touché. Well, at least I’m possibly, maybe, on the right track. What if Heaven or Hell finds out about our...consorting?” Aziraphale asked, more worried Crowley than himself. 

“Aziraphale, have you always done We have asked you? Do you do what you think is right?” Jesus asked, reminding Aziraphale of their Mother.

”Yes?”

Are you asking us, or telling us?” Yes, most definitely reminding him of their Mother.

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

”Then don’t worry about it.”

“What about Crowley? They’ve been through enough.” Aziraphale’s tone suggested that he would fight even God on this. Jesus looked thoroughly amused about it.

“You’ll figure it out.” Jesus said, pausing as if hearing something from far off. “Aziraphale...It wasn’t that Crowley wasn’t a good fit for Heaven. It was more like Heaven wasn’t a good fit for Crowley.”

“That’s comforting in a way. Thank you.” Aziraphale smiled, more to himself than anything. “So, what now?”

“As for now, I will take my leave, but I will need you to stay here for a little while. Mary Magdalene will be along shortly with some others. I’d like you to tell them that I’m no longer dead, and on my way to Galilee.” 

“Sounds easy enough. Do you mind?” Aziraphale asked, gesturing to the stone so that he could take a seat on it. 

“Go ahead. I’m not using it anymore.”

“It was good to see you again, Son of God.”

“Until next time, Guardian of the Gate, Proprietor of Perdition.” And with that Jesus left behind a rather stunned non-angel.

“Oh dear.”

Later that day...

“Be...please stop screaming, be not afraid. I’m an angel, somewhat....My dear ladies, there really is no need for that sort of language.....That’s better. I’m terribly sorry, but he’s has risen....Yes, risen. He’s popped out for a permanent tick. He’s vacated the premises. He’s left. You’ve only just missed him is all.... No, I can’t tell you where he’s precisely gone to. I’m not that kind of angel, er, being. No, I quite assure you that he’s not in...Alright, so don’t take my word for it, and get your robes dirty from mucking about a tomb. Can’t imagine it smells nice in there...Believe me now? As I was going to tell you before we all needed to rush into an empty tomb, I believe Galilee was mentioned. I would recommend going there...Going in to check the tomb again are we?...No wonder Jesus didn’t want to wait for them...Tomb still empty, dears? Jolly good! Mind how you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments hang out with Aziraphale on the stone. Your kudos leave with Crowley.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rome chapter! Oysters, and a brothel, and revelations! Oh my!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I’m not dead! Hope everyone is hanging in there!

“What have you got?”

It was a very rare thing indeed for Aziraphale to come across Crowley first, even more so unnoticed by the other. It was in a bar during a fine time to be in Rome. Someone quite odd was currently in power, and things were about to get very interesting, but not in the good way.

Hiding his presence for now, Aziraphale studied the demon. Dressed rather strangely, Crowley was male presenting again as far as the angel could tell, his beautiful hair cropped short to his skull. He also looked pissed off, and in serious need of a drink. 

Not the best mood to approach the demon, but Aziraphale didn’t want to put off his apology or whatever else he needed to say to make things right between them again.

“Crawley,” Brilliant start, Aziraphale swore at himself, “Crowley, fancy running into you here.”

Crowley stared him down instead of answering, like he was trying to evaluate him.

“Still a demon, then?” Aziraphale asked, immediately wishing for a fathomless hole to open up beneath him. 

“What kind of stupid question is that? ‘Still a demon?’ What else am I going to be? An aardvark?” Crowley spat back, jumping at the chance to amp up his anger. 

“Just trying to make conversation.” Aziraphale said, lifting his hands in open surrender. 

“Well, don’t.” Crowley grumped at him, turning, back to his wine. It wasn’t exactly a dismissal, but it also wasn’t an invitation to join him either. It would probably be better if he left, but Aziraphale didn’t know where or when he would see Crowley again. Against his better judgement, Aziraphale took a seat next to Crowley, getting side eyed by the demon. 

Sighing, Crowley picked up his jug of wine, reaching over to top off the angel’s own cup,

“Salutaria!” Aziraphale raised his glass in cheer, Crowley returning the favor, but not without rolling his eyes behind his glasses. Aziraphale didn’t like the eyewear, something the demon had found for himself while stationed in Asia. “In Rome long?”

“Just nipped in for a quick temptation.” Crowley answered with disinterest, already turning away from the angel to make short work of his own wine so he could leave.

“I thought I’d go to Petronius’s new restaurant. I hear he does remarkable things to oysters.” Aziraphale pushed on, even though he felt nauseous about it. He didn’t think he could handle it if Crowley decided to give up on him. 

“I’ve never eaten an oyster.” Crowley’s voice lost the hard edge it had been carrying upon its person, the demon sounding actually thoughtful about it. It was enough of an ‘in’ for Aziraphale.

“Let me tempt you to join me then.” Aziraphale asked, rejoicing internally as his words made Crowley turn to look at him again, his look one of surprise that had amusement threatening to seep in around its edges. 

“That’s my job, angel.” Crowley drawled, the start of a smile attempted to pull at his mouth. 

“How’d I do?” Aziraphale leaned in to theatrically whisper.

“Your delivery needs work.” The angel definitely getting a smile now.

“Oh dear, I’ll have to keep that in mind for next time.” Aziraphale said in an overly serious tone, making the demon smother a laugh. “What’s the final verdict then?”

“Temptation accomplished, but you’re buying.” Crowley said as he drank down his wine with much different intentions than before. Finishing up, the pair made their way to the docks where the eatery was situated. 

Apparently, the remarkable thing Petronius did to oysters was wash the sand and muck out of them, and served them with lemons, and a variety of sauces instead of the usual Roman go-to of Garum. Crowley personally wasn’t a fan of the beloved fish based condiment so the assortment was welcome, but still regarded with suspect. The Romans weren’t shy about what they put in their food. Aziraphale, being the true curious gourmand he was, tried all the sauces beforehand on their own.

“You’ll want to avoid the yellow one. It has Garum in it. Shame really. It’s got egg in it too, and I know how much you like those.” Aziraphale said after some consideration.

“Revolting stuff.” Crowley grumbled as he prepared an oyster with a red sauce that Aziraphale deemed fine for his consumption.

“Are you trying to drown the poor oyster? You’re meant to taste it.” Aziraphale grumbled back, making a face as more sauce was heaped on. 

The red sauce turned out to be quite spicy, not that it bothered Crowley, but nary an oyster was actually tasted.

“You do it then.” Crowley told the angel, pouring them both more wine instead. “So you’re in Rome just for the oysters?”

“They want me to influence a boy called Nero. I thought I’d get him interested in music. Improve him.” Aziraphale said as he passed Crowley a perfectly prepared oyster. “You said you were here for a temptation. Tempting anyone special?”

“Emperor Caligula. Frankly, he doesn’t actually need any tempting to be appalling.” Crowley grimaced, this time not from the oyster. “Going to report it back to the head office as a flaming success.”

“Crowley...” Aziraphale made himself press on, his sudden change in tone making the demon look over at him. He didn’t want to ruin this moment, but the air needed to be clear between them. “I’m terribly sorry about before. I never should have asked. It’s none of my business, and it’s not who you are anymore.”

“Angel, I’m not mad about that.” Crowley started to say, backpedaled as he reexamined his own feelings on the matter. “Okay, I’m not thrilled about it, but what bothers me more is that you’re hiding something from me.” 

“Please believe me when I say that if I could tell you, my dear one, I would. I would tell you in an instant.” Aziraphale’s everything pleading for Crowley to understand. 

“Yeah, I get it. I’m a demon. You don’t trust me.” Crowley started to shut down on him instead. 

“It’s not about that. It’s not about that at all. It’s never been about that.” Aziraphale said quickly, catching Crowley’s hands into his own to keep him there with him. 

“Then what’s it about?”

“I made a promise to Mother, a promise that I would never tell anyone until the time was right.” Aziraphale said, “She asked me to keep it secret. Please don’t be cross about it.”

“Alright. So you can’t tell me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t figure it out for myself.” Crowley said in a thoughtful tone that worried Aziraphale. If Crowley believed that he could and would find out the answer, it was really only a matter a time before he did. Imagination is a powerful thing, even more so when it belongs to an overly curious demon.

“Alright, but it’s best if we step away, go some place a little more private.” Aziraphale decided. This might be a terrible idea, but it would become something worse if they didn’t work together on it. 

“There’s a brothel over there.” Crowley pointed out with a grin.

“You’re incorrigible.” Making a face, but paying for the meal, Aziraphale realized that of course, Crowley would want to get to this endeavor as soon as possible. “I’ll have you know that you’ll be getting us a room there.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, angel.” Crowley said with a wink. They paid too much for just a room, but Crowley was too impatient to negotiate, or scare down the price. However, the brothel madam’s wine turned sour, no matter where she bought it or who gave it to her, for months

“May I?“ Crowley asked when they were finally alone.

“I don’t know what will happen if you do what I assume you want to try.“ Aziraphale immediately caught on. He wasn’t happy about it.

“More than likely nothing.” Crowley said with a feigned careless shrug. It did not instill confidence within the angel.

“You might explode. I might explode. We might both explode!” Mixing essences could be dicey for them. They didn’t know what was going to happen.

“I’ll be careful.” Crowley breathed out as he reached in to unfurl his edges, the infernal ones of his unseen true form. Nothing happened, much to the pair‘s immediate relief. 

“Go slow and steady then, my dear.” Aziraphale relented. Hands brushed up against Aziraphale’s celestial own, the angel holding still to allow the demon to explore his surfaces. Usually closed eyes tracked hands that were now tipped with claws as they traced over a stacked hidden form. 

“You’re a Principality?” 

“Well spotted, dear. How do you do it?” Aziraphale said dryly. 

“Shut it.” Crowley ordered good naturally, running himself down Aziraphale’s seams. “You feel like a Principality anyway, but...you’re tucked in a little too tight around your edges. No wiggle room in your spaces like the rest of us have.”

“Mother said I was like a Russian nesting doll.” Aziraphale said as he relaxed under the demon’s touch, Crowley keeping his word about being careful. 

“What’s that?”

“I have no idea. Apparently they’re going to become a thing at some point.”

“Good to know, but not helpful, at least not right now. ” Crowley muttered, looking Aziraphale over for any possible clues or tells. It wasn’t easy. Whatever Aziraphale was, he had been fooling Heaven and Hell alike for over 4,000 years at this point. 

Stepping back with a sigh, Crowley started to circle Aziraphale, muttering to himself as the demon impatiently waited for inspiration to strike. Unfortunately for them both, it didn’t take its time about it as Crowley’s strange eyes alighted upward. 

A halo was like an angel’s version of a live wire, one that was connected directly to God’s divinity. Like every other Principality, Aziraphale’s own was attached to the base of his neck to encircle his head. 

The halo position varied based on what Sphere and Choir that particular angel was from. The human belief that an angel’s halo resided free and overhead came from the fact that guardian angels were about the only ethereal beings seen by them. The reality of that was guardian angels were from the lowest Sphere and Choir of what Heaven had to offer. Being the furthest from God meant their halos were the furthest placed as well. 

Crowley had a head made for questions, always had, and more than likely, always would. The problem wasn’t that Crowley lacked in self control. It was more like his curiosity tended to outpace his common sense at the worse possible times. 

Without running it past Aziraphale first, Crowley acted on an unspoken notion, reaching up to take hold of the supposed Principality’s halo. Belated, Crowley knew deep down in an instant that he really should have asked. 

It took a moment for Aziraphale to realize that they were both screaming. Cups, pots, and glass were shattering all around them as the building shook from the sound of their combined true voices. Humans began to join in, crying out in confusion and pain as their eyes melted out of their head, and their ear drums were blown out. 

The angel took off like a comet, taking the demon with him. Digging deep into his layers, Aziraphale fixed what had been ruined in their wake as he pulled them into the void of the Between. There they could exist in their true forms without harming anything on the Earth’s plane. It was risky though because there was nowhere to hide there. Any demon or angel passing through would see them. They would be as conspicuous as a fire at night in the desert. 

The Nowhere was the staging area before one entered the realms of Heaven or Hell. It was also a very convenient place where an infernal or ethereal being could place the rest of themselves as a shard of their being piloted their avatars on Earth, containers in demon’s cases, or corporations for angels.

No one in Above or Below knew what the Between’s actual purpose was though. It was like God had started to create a space for another reality or realm similar to Heaven or Hell, but decided to stop mid construction, leaving behind only the framework for something infinitely huge. It was a mystery for both Heaven and Hell.

There in the Nowhere, Aziraphale was finally able to wrench Crowley off of his halo. It took some doing, Crowley’s thin fingers acting as if they had been welded to it. When it was managed, the two fell back, drawing in deep breaths. Not that they technically needed them, but it felt good, and it did somewhat help with the sudden onset of dizziness.

“I can’t believe you! That was so incredibly stupid!” Aziraphale began, recovering first, or at least, he thought he was. He sat up to promptly lie back down again. “You could have been discorporated!” 

Aziraphale began to worry when he was met with silence. “Crowley? I swear to Mother, you better not have exploded yourself!” The angel making himself sit up. 

“You...” Aziraphale ended up trailing off because what lay before him was not a demon, or a lifeless smudge. It was a seraph archangel, one of the first, younger than Lucifer and Michael, but older that Uriel and Sandlephon. 

Raphael, God’s very own long missing Angel of Healing, stared back at Aziraphale with wide eyes, a fully mended halo, and three pairs of wings fanned our behind him. They were still black as a raven’s own, but now they were brimming with stars, sparkling dust from nebulas falling out of Crowley’s feather.

“Fuck.” Crowley said, clutching at his chest. His eyes stayed glued to Aziraphale’s own. “Definitely not an angel.”

“I tried to tell you the best I could.” Aziraphale said, making himself not stare at the seraph’s wings. “Crowley, it’s not safe here. We have to go before someone sees us. Sees you.”

“Is it bad?” Crowey had yet to look back at his own wings. 

“Does it feel...bad?” 

“No. Just...”

“What?”

“Familiar yet different. It’s not Her Grace, not Her love in me at the moment.” Crowley said in awe before other issues kicked in. “How are my eyes?” 

“Still the same.”

“Damn it. Of course they are.” Crowley sighed, finally leaving off Aziraphale’s face to be brave enough to study his own wings. “Yeah, we need to go.”

“How was this...” Aziraphale gestured up and down at Crowley as they emerged in a deserted field. It would remain that way as long as it was needed. The two of spent a moment casting wards around them. “How was this possible?”

“As far as I can tell, you, whatever the hell that is, you’re packing some real big firepower under all those layers, and when I say big, I mean immense. Ginormous. Cosmically big!” Crowley almost fell off his own feet while trying to demonstrate just that with his arms. 

“How does that explain what happened to you?” Aziraphale doing his own circle around Crowley. He still had scales, but now they held the golden attributes normally found in angels within them, some visible across his cheeks. 

“The long and short of it is that you’ve made me yours, whatever that is.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I have both the divine and the infernal within me. You put a spark back into the space where I used to be an angel.” Crowley said tightly, like ever word held glass in it. 

“Anything else?” Aziraphale 

“I know that you love me.” For lack of a better word, Crowley looked lost to Aziraphale. 

“You already knew that. You’ve known that since the Ark.” Aziraphale said, letting his confusion show. 

“Didn’t mean I believed you. Thought you were having me on.”

“Oh, Crowley,” Aziraphale’s eyes started to well up with tears. 

“Doesn’t matter. I know it now without the shadow of a doubt. You love me even when I’m a miserable asshole. You love me when I’m wrong. You’ll still love me when I make mistakes.” Crowley beat him to it, golden tears pouring down his face.

“Crowley, beloved, my love,” Aziraphale tried, helplessly holding out his arms. Crowley found his place within them to be held close. They stood solidly together, weaving their wings together. “I’m not Her.”

“I know you’re not. You’re better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your kudos get wine drunk at that bar. Your comments eat all the oysters!


	9. King Arthur and his court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s gonna get weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay with me. The payoff is going to be grand.

Though he found it quite beautiful, England, in Aziraphale’s opinion, didn’t always have the best weather, especially when one had to wear full armor more often than one would like. The horse was a lovely addition though. Aziraphale didn’t ride it, of course, preferring to angel about with it, but he did like the company. Aziraphale’s beautiful white horse, Steven, had the very undeserved reputation of being the fastest horse in the kingdom. 

To add insult to injury upon this day, the English weather served up its second greatest export after rain, dense fog, and loads of it. 

“Hello? I, Sir Aziraphale of the Table Round, am here to speak to the Black Night.” Aziraphale called out into the swirling void, his newest title still creating a pocket of warmth in his chest. The humans were trying something wonderfully new with concepts of chivalry, honor, and romantic love. Aziraphale had always been a sucker for a code of conduct. 

A very dirty man clad in rags appeared out the fog like a wraith, gestured at Aziraphale to follow him. 

“Oh. Right. Hello.” Aziraphale doing his best to remain polite. For some ungodly reason, no one liked to bathe during this time period. He was experiencing smells never encountered before. At times, it made the angel seriously reconsider the whole breathing thing. “I was hoping to meet the Black Knight.”

As if waiting for his cue, a knight in stunning black armor stepped out of the mist. “You have sought the Black Knight, foolish one, but you have found your death.”

Oh bugger, Aziraphale swore inwardly. He had known Crowley was near, but had been trying to give the seraph some privacy so that he could work. “Is that you under there, Crowley?”

“Fucking Hell, you know it is.” Crowley grumbled, flipping up the helmet’s face plate to reveal his golden eyes. Aziraphale bit back a snicker. The helmet made Crowley look like a little snake peeking out of its hole. 

“Then what on earth are you playing at?” Aziraphale went with exasperated instead. It was difficult to see through the mist, but Aziraphale managed to see a few humans standing behind Crowley. All of them looked armed. 

“It’s all right, lads. I know him. He’s all right.” Crowley called over his shoulder at them before turning back to Aziraphale. “If you must know, I’m here spreading foment.”

“Is that some kind of porridge?” Aziraphale asked. It sounded like one. This time period’s food was also lamentable. 

“No, I’m, you know, fomenting dissent and discord. King Arthur’s spread a bit too much peace and tranquillity in the land. So I’m here, you know...Fomenting.” Crowley explained.

“Oh, that’s why you have all those humans with you.”

“Well, it certainly isn’t for the sparkling conversation, or razor wit.” Crowley sighed, “What is with them not wanting to take a damn bath?”

“I was thinking the very same thing riding over here.”

“You’re riding horses now?”

“Certainly not. This armor is heavy. It would hurt Steven’s back if I clamored up there. You know what I mean by ‘riding’.

“I certainly do.” Crowley managed a squished leer.

“Perhaps when we both don’t smell like pickled feet, dear.” Aziraphale made a face as he breathed in. 

“Yeah, wearing this shit will do that to a body.” Crowley sighed, “What you doing here anyway?”

“I’m, er, meant to be fomenting peace.”

“So, what you’re saying is that we’re both working very hard in damp places and just canceling each other out?” Crowley looked as put out about it as Aziraphale felt. 

“Well, you’re not wrong. Now that you mention it, it is a bit damp.” Aziraphale said as condensation dripped off of his nose. 

“Be easier if we’d both stayed home, and just sent messages back to our head offices sayings we had done everything they asked for, wouldn’t it?” 

“That would be lying though.” Aziraphale said after a moment of consideration. It did sound very appealing. He hated to be away from Crowley for too long. 

“Possibly. But the end result would be the same. We cancel each other out.” That feeling was mutually felt. Since Rome, Crowley could put up his own preemptive ‘intruder arriving’ warning system now. They tried to remain careful about it though.

“Do you think they’d actually check? Micheal has always been a bit of a stickler, and Gabriel is still as charming as ever.” Aziraphale wondered aloud.

“My former lot and the rest of yours have more to do than verify compliance reports from Earth. As long as they get the paperwork, they seem happy enough. I mean, as long as you’re being seen to be doing something,” Crowley said, “Every now and again.”

“We are not having this conversation. Not another word.” Aziraphale decided.

“Right.”

“At least not here. Find me later.” Aziraphale said with an overly exaggerated and completely unnecessary wink before leaving.

“Right.” Crowley smirked, rolling his eyes in mirth at the ridiculousness. 

And he would. They knew where the other was at any given moment now. Whatever Aziraphale had done in Rome, inadvertently or not, had left them linked. If they weren’t careful, they could hear one another’s thoughts, the advantage of which alway lied with Aziraphale. Crowley would know to find Aziraphale in King Arthur’s castle because he simply couldn’t help it. 

For the most part, Crowley hated castles. They were cold and damp, and they smelled awful. The rooms were abysmal to heat, usually filling with oily smoke from the fires trying to warm them. Luckily, Aziraphale was easy enough to find in the great dining hall, all dressed in white, gold, and silver. He stuck out like a large pearl on a mound of coal. 

The Black Knight entered a deep shadow, and a Lady of the Court stepped out, her knee length long hair held back in two coppery red braids that ran down her back like molten rivers. It looked all the more striking against the forest green of her gown, Crowley’s version of blending in. Not too above the salt to bring any real attention upon herself, but also not too below it either so that the rabble would leave her the Hell alone. 

Even the best laid plans can go awry.

“What do we have here? You’re a pretty one!” Large dirty hands grabbed Crowley around her thin waist. That was yet another downside about this abominable time period. 

Crowley glared up at the brute that had hauled her into his lap. He didn’t get to enjoy her company for very long, all in the great hall going quite still as a sword’s blade was placed to the drunk knight’s neck.

“Unhand her this instant!” Aziraphale hissed through the sudden quiet. 

“Sir Aziraphale, who is this woman? In all the time you have spent in my court, and not once has anyone noted you taking interest in any woman or man. You have also never carelessly unsheathed your sword, and yet there is lies almost in Bors’s neck.” King Arthur pointing out, sounding more amused than worried for the knight sweating out nervous fear all over Crowley. All the knights had seen Aziraphale in battle at one time or another, a force unto himself. “My dear Sir Aziraphale, what can we do to convince you to allow Bors to keep his head? It’s common knowledge that he’ll try to fuck anything with a pulse.”

“That may have changed.” Bors sweated out. 

“What may have changed? Bors, did you take a vow of celibacy while no one was looking?” Lancelot called out, making the court laugh. It took some of the edge off. 

“I wager that depends on Sir Aziraphale. Are you going to let me keep my balls, m’lord?” Bors asked.

“What about your life?” Lancelot asked. 

“Mind your business! I know what I’m about! I don't want my life without my balls.” Bors bit out.

“You’re right! The whores lamenting the loss of their meal ticket would deafen the kingdom.” Lancelot whipped, setting the court off in another round of laughter.

“Yes, quite.” Aziraphale said, yet his sword arm never swayed once.

“This is the part where you let me go, fool.” Crowley growled, having got too well acquainted with this human’s foul body odor for her liking.

“Yeah, right. Sorry, miss lady. Meant no harm,” Bors conceded, Crowley finding herself being shoved out of a nasty, damp lap. “How was any of us were to know? Galahad’s supposed to be the virtuous one, but even his fair eyes stray from time to time.”

“Sir Aziraphale, who is she?” Guinevere, Arthur’s queen, asked, “I can’t recall ever seeing such a memorable face.”

“She is the Black Knight’s sister, Annette. I have invited her here so that we may discuss her brother, and what can be done about him.” Aziraphale told them, making Crowley almost swallow his own tongue to keep from reacting. “She is under my protection. No harm is to come to her.”

“Wonderful news! Only Sir Aziraphale could manage such a feat.” Arthur said, Guinevere nodding back. As soon as they had a moment of privacy, Crowley reminded herself to kick Aziraphale in the shins. 

“If it pleases the king and his court, I wish to take my leave so that I may escort this fair maiden back to her room then.” Aziraphale put away his sword to offer Crowley a hand up, and then his arm. Ladies of the Court were meant to be chaperoned while in a man’s presence, but it appeared Aziraphale would be taking exception with this concept. 

“As you wish, and it is witnessed.” King Arthur said as he waved them off, the feast resuming back into full swing now that there wasn’t going to be any impromptu entertainment. 

“Could you have been any less ssssubtle? I think there are few guards left up on the wall that haven’t noticed! And don’t even get me started about Annette!” Crowley hissed as the pair hurried out of the hall. She stopped the tirade though when she realized that Aziraphale’s hands were shaking. 

“I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop myself. He grabbed you. It took my everything not to...” Aziraphale rushed, clutching at the Seraph. “I’m scared. I was so scared.”

“About what?” Crowley moved them into the privacy of Aziraphale’s room in an instant, throwing up their wards and preemptive warning system. 

“If anything ever happened to you,” Aziraphale could only hold onto Crowley, releasing as many wings as he could fit around her and in the room’s dimension. “What I might do...If I could stop...”

“Nothing’s happened to me, so stop being ridiculous already.” Crowley hushed, pressing kisses to Aziraphale’s face, the Being’s many eyes beginning to open all over. That was not a good thing if they wish to remain unnoticed. “I believe riding was mentioned earlier today.”

“You know I don’t ride, or least I try my best not to.” Aziraphale felt himself calm, tucking away his wings and eyes. It was a maddening process with Crowley in his arms, his Seraph playing with his feathers, and smoothing his other eyes shut. He knew it was necessary though. 

“Luckily, I do.” Crowley said low and sweet. Both sides had checked in on them after Rome, having felt the experience of their forging shuddered against their edges. They had reported back that nothing on Earth had happened, so it was all them, and good luck with all that. Just to add to the confusion. 

“But you always fall off.” Crowley’s relationship with horses a complicated one.

“I don’t mean that sort of riding. I want to have sex.” Crowley getting exasperated until she noticed the look in Aziraphale’s eyes. The Being followed through by catching Crowley at her waist, lifting the Seraph up so that she could wrap her long legs around Aziraphale, hooking her feet behind his back. They both had easier assess now, being blissfully out of armor, Aziraphale pressing her back against a convenient wall. “You’re such a bastard.”

“You love it.” Aziraphale kissed as more clothing was shoved aside and rearranged. “You’re already so wet for me.”

“And you’re already so perfect for me.” Crowley reaching down between them to help align Aziraphale, Crowley as she felt the Being’s cock fully slot in to her. He was just the right kind of rough, Crowley reveling in Aziraphale’s possessiveness as she was brought to completion over and over again. Crowley knew if she said the word, Aziraphale would pull down Heaven, and raise Hell to pluck the flight feathers clean off of anyone’s wings. Crowley basked in the power of it, and was content for now. 

“I need your help with an assignment.” Aziraphale interrupted their afterglow, Crowley sighing as she sat up, the pair having finally made their way to the bed. It was littered with feathers, black drenched in nebulas from Crowley, and rainbow tipped snow white from Aziraphale. 

“The usual sort of help? What’s Heaven up to now? Who are they martyring in new and horrible ways this time?” She asked, playing with one of Aziraphale’s fluffier down feather. It twinkled and sparkled with like a cobweb rainbow.

“It’s actually nothing too terrible for once. Heaven wishes to gift King Arthur with this.” Aziraphale bringing forth a celestial weapon from out his own ether, a place where angels and other such beings typically kept material things meant for the Earthen plane for safe keeping. 

“Oh my stars, a heaven forged sword! I haven’t seen one of these since David and Goliath.” Crowley inspected. She tested it out, the metal only feelings pleasantly warm in hand instead of destroying her from the inside out, or burning her hand clean off. 

“Yes, King Arthur is heavily favored by those up high. They want him to continue fomenting peace, and to unite the different clans, bringing peace to this isle.”

“That’s why you brought up the Black Knight.”

“Sorry, love. I want you home with me. I’m putting a kibosh on your assignment.” 

“Annette is still a terrible name. I can’t believe you did that to me. Do I seriously look like an Annette to you?”

“Steve and I thought it was a lovely name. It has character.”

“You had your horse help name me?!.” Crowley did kick Aziraphale in the shins this time. “Wait, if that was the best you two came up with, what were the rejects?”

“Well, er,”

“No, don’t tell me. We don’t have all night. Right. So you can’t just go ‘here you go, magic sword, jolly good thing that, dead useful.” Crowley said as she tried out some of the basics with it. The sword did not disappoint. 

“Yes, quite. I do believe something a bit more theatrical is called for.” Aziraphale said, creating his own sword. He joined in so that they could dance around the room to the chiming of metal. 

“You could always have him find it in a weird place.” Crowley used her natural grace and speed to drop down suddenly, sliding between Aziraphale’s legs to pop up behind him. 

“What would constitute as a weird place?” Aziraphale brought his sword behind in time to protect his back, turning into the move so that they faced one another again. 

“I dunno. Maybe set it in a stone?” The pair considered while studying it. Crowley stuck the wood into the masonry just to get an idea of how it would look. 

“So that anyone can have a go at it? I’m afraid that Heaven would have a field day with that.” Aziraphale shook his head. 

“You could guide him to it through a dream.”

“I find that to be so incredibly tedious. It also doesn’t work half the time. It like herding cats.”

“You could always do what you do best then.” 

“What’s that?“

“Give it away.” Crowley grinned. 

“You know, that’s actually not half bad.” Aziraphale giving it more thought than Crowley ever presumed he would. “We could make it an event! We’ll go out into the woods, and look around for our staging area. I’ll lead King Arthur to the sword. There, you can give him the sword after making a stunning entrance.”

“Like I could make any other!” Tossing back her head to make her hair fall free, Crowley stood before Aziraphale completely naked, the parts humans liked to keep hidden playing peek-a-boo with the celestial knight through her fiery locks. “Your sword, my liege.” She said with a salacious wink.

“Please play a more demure role in this. I did almost behead Bors for grabbing you. We need King Arthur alive and well, and for I to remain a trusted member of his court.” Aziraphale sighed as he reached for her, putting the sword away so that he could properly take Crowley to bed. 

That evening, Crowley noticed that Aziraphale would only love her from behind or above, the Being keeping its bulk protectively placed over her body. 

Before dawn, they were tromping through the woods, looking for an ideal setting, something impressive and memorable. 

“Bugger this for a lark. We’ve been at this for hours.” Crowley groaned. She wanted very much to be back in bed. 

“It’s been no more than 20 minutes.” Aziraphale admonished, ignoring her in favor of studying a rather serious looking oak tree. 

“Hours!” Crowley decided she wasn’t quite done being dramatic. “Why don’t we just do it over there?”

“What? At the lake?” Aziraphale leaving off the grim oak to study the nearby body of water. All in all, it didn’t look half bad as a giving up point. 

“I was thinking of more being in it.”

“In it? Whatever for?”

“Just picture it. A sword, this sword, slowing rising out of the water, bubbling up like mad, the sword bearer slowing walking on water toward the shore to present it to King Arthur himself.” Crowley miming just that. 

“Oh, yes, the humans do seem to like that trope.”

“Water walking is always a crowd pleaser. Turning water into wine even more so, but yeah, that should do it.” Crowley said, “I’ll even give a lovely little speech about being the chosen one. They’ll lap it up.”

Both were in very high spirits about the plan until they actually got to the shoreline. 

“Why do I gotta be in the lake again?” Crowley asked after a moment of staring at it, like that was going to make it more appealing to wade into. She was definitely having second thoughts about this. 

“Not sure. Perhaps being the Lady of the Lake might have something to do with it. Just a thought, pet.” Aziraphale huffed.

“It looks wet.” Crowley pointed out. 

“It’s a lake!” Aziraphale gestured to the very wet nature of it. 

“It could have been a dry lake.” Crowley tossed pebbles into the incredibly wet lake. 

“How?!” Aziraphale asked, hoping this wouldn’t bring up the properties of the Dead Sea again. It was an ongoing argument. 

Instead of answering right way, Crowley slipped off her slipper to stick a toe in. “No, no, no, no, fuck no!” 

“What are you fussing about now? What? Why not?” Aziraphale’s arm suddenly full of fair maiden and loads of hair, the Seraph scrabbling into them. 

“It is bloody cold. I’m not doing it!” Crowley said, clinging to her replacement god-thing. 

“You don’t have to feel it. You’re...well, you.” Aziraphale had not expecting this sort of overreaction. 

“I always feel it! They’ve made sure that I’ll always be able feel it. Don’t make me go down into there, in that cold dark.” Crowley shoving open a section of her mind so that she wouldn’t have to voice it aloud. 

“They did what to you?” A wall of pure rage rose up. The beings of Hell trembled, unsure of the why. Crowley made herself shut Aziraphale down before he gave them away.

That part of her mind was closed a moment later, as gently as possible, Crowley suddenly aware that they were airborne. The second thing she noticed were  
all the kisses being place to her face and hair.

“Oh, my poor darling, no, I would never send you there. I’m so sorry.” Aziraphale said, pressing that promise onto any skin surface he could reach. “We’ll come up with something else.”

“Like what?” Crowley asked so Aziraphale told him.

Which was why Crowley was now male presenting again, and why he was kneeling before King Arthur in his court, wearing his Black Knight armor. Aziraphale stood close by at hand.

“You wish to join my court? After all that you have done? After all the...fomenting, is that right? Isn’t that some sort of porridge? No? No matter. Yes, after all the fomenting you have caused.” King Arthur asked. 

“My Lord, Sir Aziraphale, with the help of my beloved sister Annette, they have brought me, I who was once blind, to the light. He has shown me the evil of my wicked ways. I was wrong, so wrong! I have done so many wrong things that I must atone for.” Crowley was hamming it up, Aziraphale working hard to keep a straight face. It was a challenge to keep certain thoughts out of his head as well, not wanting to distract Crowley. “I have come to beg this court for forgiveness and mercy. I do not come empty handed though.”

“You could have fooled all us. Those hands look pretty damn empty to me.” Bors spoke, gesturing to the thin knight bereft of his weapons. 

“It is a gift from the Heaven not meant for the likes of me, the truly damned.” Crowley carried on. It had the desired effect though.

“What is this gift you speak of?” King Arthur’s interest peaked. 

“A sword like no other! I am far too evil to wield it, but a pure soul like the king could. His are the only hands that are meant to grace such a holy weapon.” Crowley committing to ‘woe is me’.

“What say you, Sir Aziraphale?” King Arthur asked.

Aziraphale wanted to say ‘Yes, bloody brilliant that! Spot on idea, your highness. Now can we all pop off down to the lake, and get this over with already so I can shag the Black Knight into the floor’. 

“I believe that we should leave at once, and claim this blessed gift for your kingdom. I will scout out ahead, and secure the area. The Black Knight will take you where you need to go.” Is what Aziraphale said instead. 

Not everyone was thrilled with that plan, but in the end, Arthur and his knights followed Crowley into the woods to where Aziraphale lie in wait. 

“It’s a lake.” Was the assessment. 

“Yes, thank you, Sir Gawain. I don’t know where we’d be without your clever insight.” Crowley said dryly as he mentally signaled Aziraphale that they were here. 

Doing as Crowley described earlier, the lake began to roll and bubble, a single curvy figure rising from the apex of it, her arm raised high above her head. It held the sword in hand. 

“Who are you, my lady?” King Arthur asked, staring in awe. Even Crowley had to admit that the Aziraphale had pulled out all the bells and whistles for this one.

Turning the beads of water running down her skin into a gossamer like material that shone, the Lady of the Lake walked on water toward the party, her soft footsteps not creating one ripple in its now glowing surface. 

Her long thick silvery white hair shining like mercury cascaded down her back, the ends curling at her bare feet. She could have been mistaken for a goddess. It had happened before in the past, many times over.

King Arthur’s question startled Aziraphale, though Crowley was the only one who caught on to it, and only because they had known each other for the better part of four millennia.

The long and short of it was Aziraphale hadn’t bothered coming up with a cover story. She knew it, and Crowley most definitely knew it. Problem was that angels weren’t usually gifted with the ability to cope with impromptu free styling. Whatever Aziraphale was apparently had the same issue.

One would of thought demons were more well versed, but in reality, not by much.

“S-she’s a lady, the lady, a lady of this lovely wet lakey lake. She’s the Lady of the Lake. I mean, what else would she be?” Crowley slapped together, Aziraphale giving him a ‘What in fucking Heaven and Hell was that?!’ expression. Crowley shot her a ‘And where were you? Left me holding the bag, you did’ look back. Luckily for them both, the humans were far too busy admiring the sword Excalibur to notice the exchange. 

Getting the humans to leave was surprisingly easy after that. Mental nudging on both their parts may have helped that along. 

“Oh no, you don’t. Don’t go changing. On your back, angel.” Crowley pulled Aziraphale back toward him, into a lovely soft spot of clover. He rearranged their genders as to align as he put Aziraphale’s legs over his bony shoulders. A sensitive mushroom shaped head pressed in against silky wet heated flesh.

“What are you going to do?” Aziraphale gasped even as she arched her back to take him in deeper. 

“I would think that was obvious, m’lady.” Crowley rasped as he further breached her, making Aziraphale cry out softly as she was slowly taken. He took his time, going longer and wider as he went. 

“You’ve always been so fond of this form.” Aziraphale gasped out. 

“You wear it so well.” Crowley leaned in to claim a nipple with his tongue and teeth, his clever fingers finding the other. He settled in between her legs to start out into deep, short thrusts.

“More?” Aziraphale feeling the press of another cock against her other sensitive door. Not trusting her ability with words right now, Aziraphale clenched down hard enough to make Crowley laugh as he eased a second cock past a tight ring of muscle. 

“Do you want a little bit more slick back there?” Crowley gave them a moment. 

“No! Just move already!”

“As you command.” 

“Cheek.” Was the last thing Aziraphale could say intelligible for a long while until they were a sweaty mess, and she was bloated with cum. Crowley took them back to bed, the two slipping into their different versions of sleep and rest.

“Well, this is new.” Was what Crowley woke up to. 

Aziraphale was staring down at her belly, which was very swollen, more so than usual. 

“That looks uncomfortable.” Crowley said, reaching over to poke at the descended stomach. Something rippled under the pale skin in response. “Fucking hell, that’s not right!”

“Tis. It’s terribly uncomfortable. Well, you can call me an old silly, but I do believe I’m pregnant.” Aziraphale decided after doing her own poking, and experimental shifting around. 

“Ngk?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments starts looking through a baby name book. Your kudos try to plan a gender reveal party.


	10. Version 2 of preggers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Aziraphale figure some things out together about this whole birth thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rewritten after doing some math and some really gross research.

“Yes, definitely pregnant.”

“How did this happen?” Crowley practically screeched, making Aziraphale wince for various reasons. 

“I’ve already explained coitus to you on several memorable occasions. However, from what I understand about human biology, a result like this usually takes considerably longer than one night.” The Being said, making it worse as she poked at her belly to have it poke back. She found that quite disconcerting. Crowley even more so, the dark Seraph making an odd assortment of distressed noises. “Please stop doing that.” She told her belly. It did not stop moving. Neither being was pleased about that. 

“Don’t call it that! Just say sex.” Several millennia had left Crowley unprepared for parenting. Kids were great, but mostly because Crowley was generally able to give them right back. “And don’t talk to it!”

“Why not?” Aziraphale asked, continuing to press and prod to see what sort of other reactions she got back. “It feels like a them actually, not an it.”

“There’s more than one? What in the Nine Rings of Hell do we do?!“ Crowley began to pace. “How are you so bloody calm?”

“Because I’m a little too busy trying to figure out how to give birth to a group of beings I didn’t expect to have suddenly inside me.” Aziraphale finally snapped, making Crowley trip over his own feet. 

“Yeah, right. I need to try reeling it in.” Crowley said as he took a seat beside the distressed Being. “Why do you think this happening now?”

“Do you think if I knew, I wouldn’t have done something about it?” Aziraphale asked, feeling swollen and exasperated. It wasn’t a good combination. “We’ve had coatis countless times before as a male and a female without this outcome.”

“Fucking hell, why now? Why at all?” Crowley said, ignoring the word coatis this time. “Mother having a twisted sense of humor?”

“I wouldn’t put it past Her.”

Crowley poked the Being’s stomach to find out it was squishier than he thought it would be. “What do you think we should do?” 

“Contraceptives?” Aziraphale smacked his hand away after the dark Seraph kept at it. It was disconcerting to have things inside you move back and forth. 

“I don’t think either of us want you to shove crocodile dung up there.” Crowley said offhandedly to be met with a loaded silence. Crowley risked looking over at Aziraphale who appeared to be caught between confusion and disgust.

“Why would I be doing that?” She finally asked.

“It’s a thick paste. You shove it up there with some honey, and it creates a dam thingy.” Crowley demonstrated through gestures. 

“I’m not doing that.” Aziraphale said flatly.

“It was good enough for the Egyptians.” Crowley shrugged. 

“You could wear a penile sheath.” Aziraphale countered. 

“What’s that?“

“It’s a covering you wear on your penis like a little jacket.”

“The mind boggles at that imagery.” Crowley tilting his head in thought. “I’ll bite. What are they made from?”

“Animal intestines.”

“You’re joking.” Crowley looked aghast. “That’s sick.”

“That, or fish bladders.”

“Yeah, no, I won’t be doing that.”

“But you expect me to shove dung and honey up my vagina?”

“I’m not expecting you to do anything.” Crowley “Look, we’ve both been around for over 4,000 years. Let’s put our heads together. There has to be a solution. Humans are clever.”

“All right.” Aziraphale nodded, the two sitting in silence for a moment as they dwelled. 

“You could breastfeed after you have them.” Crowley said after a while. 

“That’s works?“ Aziraphale wasn’t thrilled about that option. 

“It’s not perfect, but yeah. Some women would breast feed for years to keep from having another one. They’d get away with it because men are so dense about the female body. It’s astonishing really.” Crowley said, studying the Being’s tits. They were as lovely as always, but didn’t appear to be doing anything different. 

“I don’t think that’s an option. I’ve helped women give birth, and have taken care of them afterward.” Aziraphale said as she looked down at her ample breast. She squeezed them experimentally, checking them out to find nothing amiss. “They don’t look or feel like they’re full of milk.”

“Damn it.”

“No, I’m actually quite relieved. I wasn’t looking forward to years of chafed nipples.”

“There’s always the ‘pull and pray’ method.”

“More like ‘pull and call Her’.”

“Right...maybe not then. There has to be something!” Crowley said, searching his mind for any hidden gem. “Didn’t the Greeks have something? I’m positive that they did.”

“Oh, yes, a plant called Silphium. It worked positively splendid.” Aziraphale said glumly.

“Why don’t you sound happy about it?” Crowley asked.

“It was overharvested to the point of extinction in the second or third BC. Can’t remember which.” Aziraphale sighed. 

“Damn it, humanity.” Crowley cursed loudly, “Okay, what else you got?”

“The Chinese have used a combination of oil and quicksilver.” 

“Does that work?” Crowley frowned in thought, trying to remember if he’d ever eaten mercury before. 

“Not at all. I was just wondering about the taste is all.” Aziraphale apparently wondering the same thing. 

“In India, it’s honey and rock salt, or palm leaf and chalk.”

“I can’t imagine either of those tasting good.” 

“You don’t eat them.” Crowley motioning like he was shoving something upward.

“At the very least, it’s not animal feces.” Aziraphale muttered. She startled a moment later, the grimace on her face instantly worrying the dark Seraph.

“What is it?” Crowley asked, getting a bad feeling that he could take a wild guess.

“It’s time.” Aziraphale confirmed that sinking feeling as the Being tried to get up. 

“Where do you think your’e going?” Crowley demanded, trying to keep her still.

“Well, I can’t very well have them here on Earth. It might blow up the entire planet.” Aziraphale said after a moment of thought. 

“You’re not supposed to have them at all!” That was enough to set Crowley off again. 

“Would you please remain calm? That’s not helping.” Aziraphale winced.

“No, yeah, you’re right. This isn’t the perfect reason to freak out.” Crowley bit out.

“Listen, I’ll go Between. I’ll create a safe space there, throw up some wards and spells, and hope for the best.” Aziraphale decided, drawing away. She looked scared while trying not to, but also very determined.

“No.” Crowley stated in a tone that brooked no argument, catching her by the hands to keep her with him. “We’ll both go Between, together.” Crowley told her, offering the Being first his hand, and then his arm to lean in on. “Anyone passing through could notice you. You’ll need someone to watch your back while you work.”

“But,” Aziraphale began. If anyone from Above or Below found them out, they would have to be destroyed, and the demon, angel, or other would have to be extinguished quickly before they had the chance to alert their side. 

The pair fled to desert staging area of the Between, crafting a hidden place for themselves with their incredible knowledge and combined powers. Aziraphale focused on creating the hidden space while Crowley stood guard, setting defensive measures and warning systems into place. 

“What now?” Crowley asked when they were done. Aziraphale has created a pocket of sectioned off space that looked like all the rest. It was like if a Sahara high hill of sand could be hollowed out.

“I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.” Aziraphale worried, twisting her hands together. 

“Perhaps you need to slip out of yourself?” Crowley said, walking a circle around her. 

“I’ve never done that before either.”

“Well, you need to do something. We can’t stay here much longer.” Despite creating a nook of camouflage and cover, they were still basically out in the open. The Between was like an unfinished open stage, practically barren except for the random floating masses of unfinished matter. 

The Principality slipped out of its human container easily enough. The next part was a little trickier. It reminded Crowley of how cicadas shed, the Seraph emerging from that shell. 

“Dearest, I must send you away now. I don’t know what’s going to happen.” Aziraphale warned, breathtakingly beautiful in her newly revealed form. She was a being of pure light with three sets of massive wings when held in comparison to Crowley’s own. 

“I’m not going anywhere. You won’t hurt me.” Crowley’s expression said ‘good luck making me’.

“You have no way of knowing that. It would be unintentional, I assure you, but you don’t know that I won’t make you cease to be.”

“Aziraphale, we’re connected. We have been since the Wall. I’ll be fine. I have complete faith in you. I believe in you, and I believe in us. You can do this.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, angel.”

Aziraphale eased out of its last form, barely parting it to expose what lay beneath. The closest thing that Crowley could compare it to was winter’s dawn cresting over a snowy mountain range. A flood of light poured from the opening, rushing past Crowley. It was over in an instant, the space prepared for them filled with clear floating orbs that held a soft golden energy at their center. Crowley stopped counting them after he hit 6,000.

Emptied out, Aziraphale sank back down into its forms, sealing one after the other until blue human eyes opened to blink back at Crowley. 

“How was it?”

“To be completely honest, not that bad actually. I definitely feel lighter.” Aziraphale said as she looked herself over. Everything seemed like it was back to normal.

“What do you suppose they are?” Crowley said as he flicked one with his fingers. It floated away. 

“Hopefully, the best of us mingled together.” Aziraphale said, touching a nearby orb. Though it looked as delicate as a soap bubble, it felt solid and warm under her palm. There was definitely a spark there, but it felt potential to her, not kinetic.

“I don’t think they’re ready yet.” Aziraphale said thoughtfully as she studied the orbs, the strange nebula they were.

“How can you tell?” Crowley squinted at the one nearest to him. It didn’t do anything remarkable back. 

“A mother just knows.” Aziraphale smiled before giving herself a good shake, changing genders. “Well, enough of that.” 

That should have been the end of it, ‘should have’ being the two key words here.

And it was, for a while. After tentatively testing it out, their coordinated Efforts for a very long time ran parallel with one another. If Aziraphale was male, then Crowley was as well, and nary another brood was made. Aziraphale and Crowley worried about complications now, like most humans did, whenever one was male and the either female. 

If came as quite a surprise to realize that if one of them was male and the other female, and they have sex that they ran the risk of getting their version of pregnant, just like most humans do with the same parts. Crowley wondered if it was God’s version of a practical joke. Aziraphale kept his own guesses to himself.

For the most part, they were careful. That was until Hell made Crowley switch up their gender for an assignment. Things happened. A lot of alcohol was involved, to the extent that history repeated itself. 

“Motherfucker.” 

“Well, you’re not wrong.” Aziraphale sighed, the two of them staring down at their latest batch of offspring. 

“It looks different than yours. Why is it different?” Crowley inspected her descended stomach, prodding at it to feel solid masses. Aziraphale’s pregnancy had been far more squishy and shiny. “Fucking hell, I think they’re eggs. Why are they eggs?”

“Perhaps because of what you were, and in some increment somewhat still are?” Aziraphale shrugged. 

“So you get a quick light show, and I have to lay eggs? That hardly seems fair.” Crowley shifted her hips, nearly falling over form it. Apparently, her belly was too big for her usual method of moving. 

“Sorry, beloved. It would appear so.”

“Fuck this for a lark.” Crowley shifting form so her legs fused together, her lower half becoming a snake’s tail. She did not want human hips for the next part of this. It turned out to be a good decision, pressure in places considerably easing up. 

“Do you think that will make a difference?” Aziraphale asked, earning himself a scathing look. 

“I’ve seen snakes lay eggs, and humans give birth. I’ll take my chances with the reptilian option.” Crowley grimaced at the choices. “I want to have them here. On Earth.”

“Whatever for?” Aziraphale wasn’t sure he was on board for that. 

“It’s not wise to keep all your eggs in one basket.” Crowley said as she curled up, or tried to. She was lumpier than usual. She didn’t like it. 

“Now’s not the time to be clever about it.”

“Oh, but I think it is. They don’t understand this world like we do.” Crowley gave up on being comfortable so that she could study the Being. “They could still happen upon our brood in the Between, but here, not a chance.”

“So, what do you propose?” Aziraphale sighed. He wasn’t going to argue with her further. It would be a waste of time they didn’t have. 

“That this is happening for a reason.”

“An ineffable reason?”

“Sounds about right, don’t you think?” Crowley said, “You’ll have yours above in the Between, and I’ll have mind here below on Earth.”

“As Above so Below? I have to admit, I do like the symmetry of it.” Aziraphale grinned ruefully, reaching to gather up the naga. “Where to?”

“Egypt. The Valley of the Kings.” Crowley said with certainty. 

“Bit warm, don’t you think?” Aziraphale wrinkled his nose at the thought. 

“Snake babies, remember?” Crowley grinned, curling her tail around the Being. 

“Touché.” 

It turned out that Crowley knew the Valley of the Kings very well, the dark Seraph directing Aziraphale to a cleverly hidden tomb, missed by the tomb raiders and time alike. 

“How did you know about this place?” Aziraphale asked as he admired the piles of undisturbed treasure.

“Does he look familiar?” Crowley asked, thumbing over to a statue. It looked terribly familiar.

“Oh, Crowley, you didn’t?!” Aziraphale was torn between laughing and scolding. The statue was quite obviously of Crowley in native garb of the time period. 

“Like hell I did!” Crowley laughed.

“So who were you?”

“ Apophis, god of embodied chaos. An opponent of the light, of course, and of Ma’at, who represented truth and order.” Crowley preened. 

“Whose the other bloke.”

“Dunno, he never turned up.” Crowley shrugged as she laid back on some very well preserved furniture. “Now, be a good father, and dig me a very deep hole.”

Rolling his eyes, Aziraphale snapped a deep hole into being, spending the rest of his time setting up wards and traps. Crowley did the same from where she was seated.

“Fucking hell, it’s time.” Experiencing a very certain, unique sensation, the first egg announced that it was ready to leave as it pressed against the wall of her delicate tissue. 

The winged Being picked up the dark Seraph in her naga form to the place where they had carefully prepared for their brood.

“Can I bring you anything before it begins?” Aziraphale arranging himself to sit back against the great pile of dirt. Crowley settled herself in his lap, her back to his front, her tail and clutch bracketed by his legs. The rest of Crowley’s body pooled down there in the pit to provide cushioning for the eggs as they fell out. 

“Nope.” Crowley rasped out as entrapped beings moved within her. The first egg was the worst one. Once she got past that first one, it was seemed to be smooth sailing. It took longer than Aziraphale’s version of birth, like five days on Earth longer, the Being doing his best to soothe Crowley through it as he created more space below them for their progeny. The final count was 6,172.

Slightly smaller than an ostrich’s own, Crowley’s eggs were jet black with a rainbow sheen like an oil slick, accented with sprays of silver and gold. 

They buried the eggs deep when it was over with. Wards and spells were then woven around and over the slumbering brood, ethereal and infernal spells knitting together. Like Aziraphale’s orbs, the eggs gave no sign of hatching. They could feel the life within the eggs, but it was dormant.

“Well, that was tedious. Do you think we should keep doing this?” Crowley asked as she shifted genders, cracking his back as hip bones connecting to leg bones returned. 

“Creating life isn’t a terrible thing.” Aziraphale said thoughtfully.

“Tell that to the Nephelim.” Crowley grunted out as a series of vertebrae loudly popped. The Seraph sighed in relief. 

“These are hardly those.” Aziraphale said, “Our children are entirely something else.”

“We shouldn’t be able to do this at all.” Crowley sighed, studying the dirt like he could see what lay beneath it.

“We shouldn’t be able to do a lot of things, but here we are.” 

“Doesn’t it worry you?” Crowley asked as he studied the Being. Aziraphale was obviously pondering something. 

“I’ll worry if Mother shows up. Until then, I am going to presume that it’s all part of Her plans.

“The Great Plan, or the Ineffable Plan?” Crowley wondered aloud. 

“Does it really matter?” Aziraphale shrugged. 

“Yeah, it does. One ends in fire, and the other is still being written. I don’t know about you, but I’m leaning toward the latter.” Crowley said, transporting them to a secret spot created by him. It was a cave that had been converted into living quarters. Crowley liked it because one could only get to it with wings, the cave located in a sheer cliff face.

“You’re the one always telling me that I worry too much.” Aziraphale said as he was taken to bed, the pair sinking into a deep pile of soft furs. 

“You turn me into a bundle of nerves when you don’t.” Crowley said, curling himself around the Being as much as he could in human form. 

“I think we should keep doing this.” Aziraphale said softly. It was enough to wake up the dark Seraph.

“Please tell me you’re joking.“ Crowley stares into the Being’s gentle eyes. “Do you not remember what we’ve been doing for the better part of a week? Correction, what I’ve been doing for the better part of a week?”

“I don’t know why, but something inside me is telling me it’s the right thing to do.” Aziraphale said, earning a dark look from the other. 

“That’s easy for you to say. You get to have a six second light show.” Crowley muttered. 

“It didn’t hurt, did it?” Aziraphale asked, concern apparent on his face. 

“No, not after the first one, and even that wasn’t terrible. It was just uncomfortable is all and boring.” Crowley soothed, finding the other’s lips to kiss the worry out of him.

“You don’t ever have to do that again. I can keep having them.” Aziraphale said when they separated. 

“You’re serious about having more?”

“Yes, I believe it’s the right thing to do.”

“I’m in.” Crowley decided with an air of finality. 

“You don’t have to.” Aziraphale tried to reassure.

“I can’t have your kids outnumbering mine. Wouldn’t be fair for the little buggers.” Crowley grinned, making the Being laugh. 

“Let’s say every fifty years, we take turns.” Aziraphale decided, chuckling as Crowley tried to move in closer, like that was possible in these forms. 

“You’re serious?” 

“Absolutely.”

“All right then, let’s be parents.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Your kudos wonder about who thought crocodile dung was a good idea. Your comments want to hear the sales pitch on that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments float away in the nebula. Your kudos cuddle with Baby Aziraphale.


End file.
